Living Zen - Newsletter

Intensive practice

2011-02-01T09:47:00.000-08:00

One of the side benefits of being the VZC Registrar is that when sending out announcements of upcoming courses I get to reflect on my own experiences in those courses and appreciate what they opened up for me in practice.

With a new Intensive Preparation course starting on Feb 19 & 26th I am reminded of experiences with the one-day and five-day intensives offered by the Victoria Zen Centre, as the intensive prep course is a prerequisite for this type of intensive practice.

Mostly when I've talked with other people about intensive practice I've talked about the difficulties. Sitting for long periods of time is physically demanding and the form of practice also removes the distractions that mask unpleasant memories and feelings that come up from time to time. Having to experience all that stuff is tough.

A pointed comment by Ven. Eshu about this reminded me that it is in some ways easier to talk about the difficulties of intensive practice because it is tangible and concrete. Most people, even those who haven't done intensive Zen practice, can relate to "my legs hurt" or "it was hard to relive memories of crappy stuff that happened when I was a kid".

But there is so much going on in intensive practice that is really amazing too, I've just found it hard to put words to that. In the one-days there is the beauty of watching the sun come up and go down together, of eating together and experiencing the Sooke zendo really fully and deeply. In the five-day practice (sesshin) there is the residential component, 13 people living together in close quarters for 5 1/2 days with little sleep, all breathing together for 18 hours a day and working so hard in various ways (cooking, teaching, cleaning, serving tea, correcting form, leading chants, supervising zendo officers) to create the sesshin for each other. The depth of relationships with other people in the sangha who have shared intensive practice is a very special thing, unlike any other community I've ever experienced. And there are the hilarious things that happen in residential practice (who knew that dropping a bell could make it ring?).

There are also the things that happen before and after intensive practice from the powerfully transformative nature of intensive practice -- little and big shifts in everyday life. Those are much harder to express, but I was reminded at the Dana meeting last week how significantly different my life is now compared to pre-intensive practice. I'm actually here to enjoy my life instead of being completely entangled in thinking about the past and worrying about the future, which is a gift not to be taken lightly. And even though things aren't always easy there is so much more resilience, humour, and determination than was there before to get back up after falling down.

Although I'm not planning to re-engage with intensive practice in the immediate future, it is a very special component of what the VZC offers and I hope anyone thinking about it will go for it, to experience it for yourself and see what it is like!

Appreciating 'Other'

2011-01-22T08:17:00.000-08:00

Since a friend gave me a Karen Armstrong book, I’ve found a feast of other books and talks by her, including a recent interview by Jian Ghomeshi on the CBC radio show Q:

Jian Ghomeshi interview: Click on Jan 17/2011 and start listening 51 minutes into the show.

Karen Armstrong’s winning talk on TED or actually here

Karen Armstrong speaking about the charter for compassion

The charter spoken on youtube

One year anniversary of the charter

Let me know what you think. Is any of this useful in your life, and how would you put it to work?

Soshin

Talking about sexual misconduct

2011-01-07T22:26:00.000-08:00

I’ve recently been following the letters on Sweeping Zen about Abbot Eido Shimano’s sexual misconduct over the last 45 years (many people have been silent about this and other cases for a long time). A lot of attention is going to the issue of his misconduct and how his organization, the Zen Studies Society in New York, will be dealing with it.

While many teachers and abbots are rightly concerned about how Shimano is dealt with, and how those harmed by his behaviour can begin the healing process, it seems to me that individual sanghas could take this opportunity to talk about sexual violence, the abuse of the teacher/student relationship, and what it would take to never have this happen again.

I’m not condoning what Shimano did at all, but changing our culture of shame and secrecy would help empower the potential victims of this kind of abuse. If we create a sex-positive environment people might more clearly see when they are in danger of being abused or being abusive.

One of the really useful articles I’ve run into recently on this subject is ‘Real Sex Education’ by Cara Kulwicki (in an anthology Yes Means Yes! Visions of Sexual Power & a World Without Rape). According to Kulwicki the goal of real sex education is to teach people that sex should be “consensual and pleasurable”, and that we need to move from thinking ‘no means no’ to ‘yes means yes’. In other words we need to teach that “sex when someone doesn’t openly and enthusiastically want it is wrong.”

I hope you’ll read the article and then post a response here. What do you think? How does this apply to you and to our sangha if at all? How do you think we should break the silence?

Soshin

Back from Rohatsu sesshin

2010-12-11T20:45:00.000-08:00

Cuddled the cat, went for a walk enjoying the beauty of the neighbourhood, dropped off the recycling and visited Aubergine in Fernwood (very full of happy pleasant people), had a simple meal and watched the Korean film Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter ...and Spring. Gently easing into each moment here on Roseberry Ave.

Soshin

Sesshin memories

2010-12-03T10:24:00.000-08:00

Back in the day, when Doshu would go off to sesshin and a visit with his folks, leaving the kids and I to fend for ourselves, the trickster would rub his hands with glee and before Doshu was at the end of the driveway, something would invariably break or go dreadfully wrong.

One year the chimney in our one room cabin developed a carbon monoxide-spewing leak. My plan to clean the chimney while Doshu was away quickly became an emergency, and with preschooler and toddler in tow, I made the trek (on working logging roads) to the coop hardware store to find replacement parts. Thank goodness for small communities! Although the sales clerk had never done the job, she cornered one of the old-timers in the store, who cheerfully gave us all the how-to wisdom and encouragement we needed to get the job done. Picture mom on the step ladder replacing sections of stove pipe with tiny kids bundled in winter coats playing happily amongst the debris.

Then there was the year the key broke in the ignition (again while Doshu was on retreat), but luckily while the kids and I were in town, and the local mechanic, who understood a lot about expediency, and resourcefulness, fixed the car by showing me how to start it with a screwdriver. Somewhere around that time there was the challenge of always parking our car on a slope, to get it started again.

In our family we consoled ourselves with food. So for years whenever Doshu went away we would clear cut the store and eat all the forbidden stuff: coffee, meat, sausages, bacon, real maple syrup, cake made with sugar, and ice cream!

It helped keep the trickster away.

ANNOUNCING...the Zennies!

2010-10-23T14:02:00.000-07:00

1st Annual Victoria Zen Centre Awards -- Call for Nominations

The Zennies are an opportunity for VZC members to honour and thank the many people who have contributed time, money, skills, and love to our zen centre in the last year.

These are awards where you get to choose both who wins and why: choose the nominee and the category! The rules:

You can nominate anyone, whether they are a member of the VZC or not,
You can nominate the same person for multiple reasons,
You can nominate as many people as you want to, and
Your nomination has to be true.

The awards will be presented at the VZC's Harvest Potluck (Nov 27th).

DEADLINE = Sunday, November 14th
Email nominations to Ekō at jgoldberg@shaw.ca

A hole in the sidewalk

2010-08-29T18:07:00.000-07:00

I’ve been reflecting on my practice lately, now that I’m sitting again (after bounce number…3?). I came across a story that resonated pretty strongly with me and my relationship to practice.

The story was about a woman that encounters a hole in the sidewalk and falls into it. It’s a very deep hole and it takes her a while to climb back out.

The next time she is walking down the same street she encounters the hole again, but is oddly attracted to it, she gets curious of it and once again falls in. But this time she manages to climb back out a little quicker.

The next time she walks down the same street, she encounters the same hole again. But this time she is certain she can jump clean over the hole, but when she tries she falls back in.

The next time she is walking down the same street she knows there is a deep hole, but is curious about it. She carefully walks up to the hole and peers in, thinking “Damn, that’s a really deep hole”. Then she carefully walks around it…

Finally, she chooses to walk down a different street entirely and decides not to walk down that same street anymore because she knows there’s a great big hole there!

I’m not sure exactly where in this process I am. But I’m hopeful that the next time I encounter a big, black, gaping hole in the sidewalk I’ll turn around and take a totally different street. The hole isn’t that interesting to me anymore.

Cory.

Four Gardensattva Vows

2010-08-28T20:37:00.000-07:00

Oddly, as I killed thousands of sentient beings over the course of the day in weeding the garden this came to mind:

All berries without number
I vow to masticate
Endless bindweed plants
I vow to uproot
The fallen down arbour
I vow to levitate
The great veggie garden
I vow to maintain.

(with thanks to Reese for his help adapting the Four Bodhisattva Vows)

Warning: Administrator has prohibited access

2010-08-05T08:21:00.000-07:00

Yesterday my computer warned me : "Administrator has prohibited access to CD/DVD ROM drives"

Suddenly I could no longer use the DVD player which has become our entertainment centre here on Roseberry. It's also the backbone of my language studies now that the Greater Victoria Public Library has such a great foreign film collection on DVD.

Doshu and I had recently vacuumed inches of dust out of the computer, had this dislodged a wire? Also, Doshu had upgraded his computer which is networked with mine. Had he done this to me? Lots of opportunity for practice! I'd like to think that because of meditation the situation was a little lighter than it could have been. (Doshu says MUCH lighter-but maybe he's being his usual kind self)

The fix, after I googled the warning message, was to uninstall a desktop driver, reboot and reinstall it. Apparently the Intel Desktop Utilities program that helps us monitor the cpu temperature, and has access to the motherboard, was interfering with a patch, or an upgrade, or a virus?? that was also trying to access the same area of the motherboard?? Result: no dvd capabilities and a weird warning message.

What came home to me was how very, very little I understand the workings of this computer. How the hell does it do what it does?

When I apply that sense of wonder to my own programming and wiring, I see how little I know about myself, and how simple and insignificant core beliefs like "being too tired is a valid excuse", or "I'm entitled to this" or "what I am is real and lasting" can have huge and unforeseen effects in my life.

Similarly, what if meditation, which seems too simple (breathe), too easy (just be present), too gentle (I don't feel any different...) to change 50+ years of habit, what if meditation really is the "simple fix" that can have deep and unexpected results in my life?

Thank you!

2010-07-30T07:04:00.001-07:00

Thank you everyone for making last weekend so special. It really does take an entire sangha to do Jukai! We have a remarkable community and the strength of love and support was tremendous. Everyone's contributions in setting up and taking down the room, the strength of your voices in chanting, your kindness to Reese and to my parents in making them feel truly welcomed as part of the sangha, the delight of having kids at the reception, and all the thoughtful emails and cards from those of you who couldn't be there in person are much appreciated.

A special thank you to Kozan (Nori) and Seishin for their patience, good humour, generosity, and unflagging support, and to Ven. Eshu and the Practice Council for their guidance and example.

I hope that we have many more excuses to celebrate together! :)

- Eko

Bear Zen

2010-07-24T16:17:00.000-07:00

From Sonja de Wit

A couple of nights ago, I was on the deck at our cliff, doing a sit. We live an hour west of Victoria on the ocean. There is a steep cliff, 200 ft, down to the water, where humans can’t go. We have a deck at the edge of the cliff with benches and a table. The house is well back, far enough that your spouse probably won’t hear if you shout.
It was evening but not dark yet. I was just getting into the sit when I heard something in the bushes, and then a very small black bear walked past. Uh-oh. I wanted the bears to know I was there so I said to the baby bear, “Go back to your mother!” I did know it probably didn’t understand English, but I didn’t want to be between mother and cub. This freaked the little guy out so much that he ran away, but away from the mother, and he half-scrambled, half-fell down the cliff. (There is a ledge below the top, so he wouldn’t have fallen more than eight or ten feet, probably into some bushes, and bears are pretty good at falling: here on the road we get lots of evidence of that when it’s apples season.) The mother meanwhile was snorting and huffing and peering through the bushes on my other side.
What could I do? I got up on the picnic table and stood up and said to the mother bear, “Your baby went that way.” She was quite upset herself. After a minute or so, she did go past me, she kind of had to. She was a beautiful glossy black, not big. She started up the path to the house, then came back. Sonja still on the table. Then she stood up and sniffed in classic bear pose and obviously picked up her cub’s scent. She charged through the salal to the edge of the cliff in the direction the cub had gone, and went crashing down below. After a minute or two I got down off the table and went to tell Alan what he’d missed!
What I wonder is whether you experienced sitters would have kept your Zen cool and stayed in your lotus, and just let it all happen around you.

(Posted by Sean because Sonja's on a slow dial-up connection, poor dear.)

Retreat in Auschwitz

2010-06-25T14:39:00.000-07:00

Hey there folks - I have written a blog post about my experiences on the Auschwitz retreat. It is a little long, so I didn't want to post it here. If you are interested, you can see it at:

http://sei-inremyjordan.blogspot.com/2010/06/bearing-witness-retreat-in-auschwitz.html

Sei-in

Pancakes & Links

2010-06-20T18:19:00.000-07:00

This is what it looks like after pancakes, hole-in-ones, joviality & companionship.

Satisifaction. Whole In One.

No comment. Except that I love Robert Crumb.

2010-06-09T23:41:00.000-07:00

Response to Sei-In's Comment

2010-05-30T21:50:00.000-07:00

I think of this Calvin & Hobbes strip whenever I'm creating a test or exam.

Education

2010-05-30T17:59:00.000-07:00

As I age in my role as teacher, I find myself more inclined to reward responses such as those shown. What does this have to do with zen practice? Something. What doesn't?

Work practice

2010-05-22T19:35:00.000-07:00

When I joined the VZC a few years ago, the initial motivation was to learn how to be a "better" activist. I had been involved in environmental and social justice work my whole life and so had seen many, many mistakes made by me and others -- it seemed that often we were often doing more harm than good. A community-based spiritual practice with an experienced teacher was recommended by a visiting monk as a way to dive into the burning questions and doubts that I was struggling with.

Although sitting, walking, chanting, and meal practice were intriguing what really hooked me were the work practice opportunities offered by the VZC. Working with other people, whether in the VZC or in social justice groups, seemed to be at the heart of the difficulties and so the chance to explore that in a Zen practice context was very appealing. And it has indeed been rich and rewarding both in terms of volunteer work and also my paid job. In the last few months I've been particularly noticing how much VZC work practice is impacting work outside the VZC. The people I work with have also been asking more about Zen practice which is a good barometer for whether or not practice really is shifting my work habits!

We have many opportunities for work practice within the VZC already -- officer roles in the zendo; operational teams like marketing, peer support, and Sangha Sunday planning; collective work practice periods during zazenkais/sesshins; occasional work parties to remove broom or clean up the highway near the VZC; Board positions; and individual opportunities such as assisting with events, transcribing, gardening, zendo cleaning, or any of the bazillion things that need to be done to keep the VZC going.

Recently the VZC Board has been talking about how to tweak the coordination of work practice so we can better match members who are interested in engaging in work practice with tasks that need to be done (and that are a good fit for members' interests, skills, availability, etc.). This has been done informally for some time but with the steady growth of the VZC we are now looking to put a bit of structure in place to help keep things smooth.

In looking at what other centres do around structuring work practice as part of our development process, I came across this article by Zoketsu Norman Fischer. I really enjoyed it so thought I would pass the link on for y'all to enjoy!
http://www.intrex.net/chzg/Zoketsu.htm

It would be great to hear your thoughts on work practice: what's your experience been thus far, and what would you like to see develop in terms of further opportunities in this stream of practice?

Links of interest...

2010-05-21T11:40:00.000-07:00

Two recent posts that folk may find interesting...

Here is a link to Eshu's article on the T-C blog, "Spiritually Speaking":

http://communities.canada.com/victoriatimescolonist/blogs/spirituallyspeaking/archive/2010/05/20/papa-needs-a-new-pair-o-shoes.aspx#comments

Here is a link to a video conversation between Bernie Glassman and Jeff Bridges:

http://www.tricycle.com/blog/?p=1782

Post-sesshin

2010-05-15T07:34:00.000-07:00

It's been just over a week since coming back from sesshin. I went in with a lot of anxiety as my first sesshin a year previously was really painful both physically and mentally.

This time around it was still painful although not nearly as bad (thank you Bikram yoga instructors!) and so there was more of an opportunity to experience other aspects of sesshin, particularly the experience of living in close quarters and practicing so intensely with a group of good friends -- "virtuous companions" in the sutra translation Eshu read from as part of his dharma talks.

Of course the magic of sesshin couldn't be sustained forever, it changes just like everything else, but it has been interesting to experience so pointedly the resistance of letting it change. Eshu had talked specifically during sesshin about the mistake of approaching practice from a self-oriented perspective (I'm going to be a better person) but sinking back into old habits so quickly after sesshin was over, especially regarding relationships with other people, I was feeling pretty disappointed -- what is the point of such intensive practice if I come back and am as big a jerk as I was before sesshin?

In reading a book by Desmond and Mpho Tutu ("Made for Goodness") over the last couple days, the following passage really hit home. Although the book is written from a Christian perspective this perfectly described my experience of this very special sangha and has lightened things up considerably.

A life of wholeness can accept flaws and vulnerabilities as doors to relationship. If we can do all things flawlessly, we have no need of anybody else. That is not ubuntu. Flaws and vulnerabilities destroy the illusion of self-sufficiency and can open our eyes to our common humanity. Flaws and vulnerabilities can build the bridge to human community and to a relationship with the divine.

Or as Leonard Cohen put it:

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in.

So, cracked and all, onward we go! Thanks everyone for all your support this week with the post-sesshin transition, it's much appreciated.

We are empty curved space

2010-05-02T16:12:00.000-07:00

"The universe does not exist 'out there,' independent of us. We are inescapably involved in bringing about that which appears to be happening. We are not only observers. We are participators. In some strange sense, this is a participatory universe. Physics is no longer satisfied with insights only into particles, fields of force, into geometry, or even into time and space. Today we demand of physics some understanding of existence itself."

"There is nothing in the world except empty curved space. Matter, charge, electromagnetism, and other fields are only manifestations of the curvature of space. "

— John Archibald Wheeler: Physicist, coiner of the terms "black hole" and "wormhole," collaborator of Albert Einstein, and teacher of Richard Feynman.

2010 TC10km Tasty Treat and Picnic Crowd Pleaser

2010-04-25T21:43:00.000-07:00

Warm Almond Stuffed Dates with Sea Salt and Lemon

12 pitted dates, preferrably Medjool
12-24 whole roasted unsalted almonds
1tbsp olive oil
Sea Salt
Grated rind of 1 lemon

Slit the side of each date and pull out pit. Insert almonds in the cavity and push the edges back together to enclose nuts. Warm the oil over medium heat in a skillet. Add dates and cook, shaking the pan so that dates roll around in oil until warmed. 2-3 min. Sprinkle lightly with the salt and lemon rind. Toss again and serve. Serves 6.

Enjoy! with friends, laughter and sunshine.....

Birthday card

2010-04-24T10:39:00.000-07:00

I thought people would enjoy this image. It is from the front of a card that my sister gave me for my birthday...

No Place Like Om

2010-04-22T07:41:00.000-07:00

Tuesday April 20, 2010

Wearing The Robes For The First Time

My oh my, lions & tigers & snakes.

Tuesday night at the Interfaith Chapel, I came out. In freshly, lovingly hand crafted robes, it’s been a long time since I’ve worn a "dress".

What an opportunity for practice!

The stuff it brought up was all fear based with roots that reached in the past. I felt vulnerable and was afraid of being laughed at and not being good enough. There was even a tinge of feeling that I wasn't "entitled".

Logically, I was wearing the prescribed and accepted garb for the activity. Yet inside, out of the depths of the past, rose an image of 17 year old me graduating from high school in an orangish/yellowish/pinkish empire-waisted, puffy-sleeved dress with big flowers and my hair “done” up on my head. I felt awkward, out of place and very uncomfortable. I confess, I did it for my Mom.

As I immersed into the role of jiki, doing sampai, comically trying to sit while tucking robes under my legs and walking in kinhin, I felt at ease. Present. Even, graceful.

And finally, by evening's end, a homecoming.

(This time was for you too, Mom.)

Presence

2010-04-22T06:46:00.000-07:00

What is presence?

Being fully aware, present, in every thought, action and word.

How do we practice presence?

By infusing quality into every action, thought and word; submersing into every moment with no concern for the next. No thing is more or less important then another.

How do we practice presence in action?

By fully becoming one with the action with no concern or expectation of the outcome.

How do we practice presence in thought?

By fully knowing that the mind is another sense organ, using it as a tool when memory or knowledge is needed, letting it go when it is not.

How do we practice presence in speech?

By being mindful that words are powerful tools, they can enhance life when used wisely, they can wound when not. Yet at the same time recognizing that the nature of words is their symbolic representation. It is not possible to explain the limitlessness of experience within the limits of vocabulary.

Presence is not a goal; presence is be-ing.

Mitra update

2010-04-16T19:07:00.000-07:00

Well, I have talked to Mitra and few times and she is doing well. I like this photo of her. I think she looks radiant.

The blog on the retreat is here:
http://www.peacemakerinstitute.net/profiles/blogs/rwanda-bearing-witness-retreat-5

There are entries for each day.

The question now is if Mitra can get home. She leaves on Sun and arrives home on Mon, assuming everything is flying. The problem is that she is flying through northen Europe and the ash from the volcano in Iceland has caused most of the flights to be cancelled. Hopefully, things will be clear by the time Mitra leaves.

Bodhi Playoffs

2010-04-15T23:26:00.000-07:00

So I watched that PBS documentary “The Buddha” the other day. It had its ups and downs. One of my favorite parts was when Jane Hirshfield spoke. My previous blog entry was a quote from her, with a graphic image I thought á propos. Maybe when I post this entry, that previous entry will be right under it. We’ll see.

Anyway, one of my favorite parts of my favorite parts was when Jane talked about us all being Buddhas, were we but to realize it. She talked about walking down the street and looking at each of the people one passes or encounters: “Buddha? Buddha? Buddha! Ah, Buddha!”

What does this have to do with hockey? Everything, dude.

In the intensity of the most focused moments of a high-speed sport, the skillful player is utterly unencumbered by self. This becomes especially interesting and evident when it is a high-speed team sport. And there is no higher speed team sport than hockey.

A digression: In barbershop quartet, there is a phenomenon that happens when the harmony, the blending of the four voices, is just right. It’s called the “fifth voice.” It’s an acoustical phenomenon that is well understood scientifically (you can look it up) but is nonetheless magical: It absolutely sounds like there are five voices, but there are only four singers.

Years ago, it struck me that an analogous phenomenon can occur in a hockey game. Something happens to a team and they start to play as if they were a single organism. The passes are so crisp, the movements so in unison, it’s as if they all have eyes in the backs of their heads; they utterly know where each other is, and they are no longer a collection of highly skilled individuals, but a single being that divides its body into parts and occupies the entire rink that way.

The opposing team is “back on its heels” as the hockey announcers say. If you came upon the game on your TV at that moment, you’d think there was a power play going on. But when you look at the info field at the top of the screen, no power play is indicated. How is that team getting away with having six players on the ice, plus net minder? And then you realize that it’s just the regular number of guys, but they’ve hit that harmony so it’s like there’s a “sixth guy,” like the “fifth voice” in barbershop quartet.

In many fields of endeavour, when a skilled master is fully engaged in that endeavour (singing, gardening, programming, bathing an infant, hitting a golf ball, installing a door, etc.), he or she is Buddha. It might be momentary, fleeting, interspersed with intrusions of self-concern, but those moments of self-concern are interspersed with intense, awake moments of utter dissolution of self and the absence of distance of any kind between mind and everything else. “Between” becomes meaningless.

And then it changes, and the difference between self and everything else blurts out rudely and he ain’t Buddha no more, or at least there’s a bunch of noise going on over top of Buddha. That’s ok. It’s the way of being a human, I reckon. Even Buddha wasn’t Buddha sometimes, I would guess.

But there are sublime moments, quite extended moments, when Roberto Luongo is Buddha. The sublime presence of the high-level hockey goalie in the playoffs is a wondrous thing to behold. And out in mid-ice, there is the speed and flow of that intricate web of coordinated activity: A good hockey game is like the nice flow of meal practice in a zazenkai of skilled practitioners. Everyone just dissolves into a solution of mutual activity and intention. Despite how it may appear to the casual, unengaged observer, there is no ice, no goal, no stick, no puck, no fight, no penalty, and no hockey game. The skillful hockey player relies on prajna paramita with no hindrance in the mind, no hindrance and therefore no fear. Gate gate para gate para sam gate he shoots he scores! Hands raised, he skates for a moment in sublime light, and then breathes in, and he’s the guy who scored, and self arises. But then the play begins again, and as the intensity builds, self dissolves, and even the fans in the arena dissolve into selflessness and their dancing and songs are the voice of the Dharma.

Seven Words

2010-04-07T22:43:00.000-07:00

“Everything changes; everything is connected; pay attention”.

— Jane Hirshfield

http://practiceofzen.wordpress.com/2009/06/18/36-seven-words/

Mitra leaves for Rwanda on Wednesday

2010-04-06T21:06:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow Mitra is flying to Kigali, Rwanda to participate in the first Zen Peacemaker Bearing Witness Retreat in Rwanda.

After a few days of acclimatizing, the retreat will begin on Sunday night with thirty to forty participants (thirty of the participants are from Rwanda). They will start each day in Kigali, the country capital and move out to various memorial and genocide related sites. Personal stories will be told by people regarding many aspects of this profound disaster and they will hear about the works of many NGOs doing reconciliation and healing work in the country. They may even be meeting President Kagame. They will finish on April 16 and Mitra will arrive home on April 19.

Apparently, you can follow the retreat starting Monday April 12 via a daily blog that will be written by Fleet Maull (one of the people leading the retreat). I am told that you can follow the blog at the following website. However, I haven’t been able to find the appropriate link :-(

Perhaps it is best to start checking it after the retreat starts on April 12.

http://www.peacemakerinstitute.net/

With great love, I hold Mitra in my heart and my thoughts as she goes through this experience.

VZC Roadtrip to see Yushin at FAME West

2010-04-01T22:06:00.000-07:00

Early in the morning of March 27, four adventurous Victoria Zen Centre members embarked on a short road trip to see Yushin compete in the 2010 FAME West Competition.

We began our trip at 5:30am driving around the quiet city, much of it still slumbering, to pick up one member and then another. Bleary eyes and yawns were the order of the hour.

Arriving at Swartz Bay to catch the 7am ferry to Tsawwassen, we began to wake up and get excited for the trip.

Once on the ferry, we treated ourselves to a tasty variety of breakfasts, many of us choosing the yummy deep fried hash browns. Our hunger satisfied, we settled in for the short ocean crossing to the mainland.

Google Map directions in hand, we ventured forth down strange roads and questionable turns and at points were quite sure we were lost. But our digital directions proved to be reliable in getting us to our destination, even if the road traveled was a bit adventurous and at times a bit surreal!

Single lane bridges, strange side roads, and industrial parks were traveled through but eventually we made it to Maple Ridge, the location of the FAME West Competition with minutes to spare before the event began.

We came prepared with balloons, a cow bell, and lots of enthusiasm to cheer for Yushin.

The event itself was quite the experience, and before we knew it, Yushin was on stage flexing and posing and showing the culmination of all the hard work and training that brought him to that moment. Here is a little video clip of Yushin's performance!

After the performance, Yushin came out and joined us before we began our trip back home. Before this trip, I really had no idea what a body building competition entailed, and seeing Yushin on stage brought home just how much work, focus and dedication was involved. Much respect.

After The Rain

2010-03-28T07:53:00.000-07:00

Cherry blossoms after the rain

Pattern the ground

With no purpose

Only a rest after a fall.

Balance ~ The Middle Way

2010-03-25T18:03:00.000-07:00

A Yogi practicing her asanas one day realized that the plantar wart on her left foot seemed to have grown and was, she believed, throwing her balance off. So she decided to use a remedy to remove the annoying plantar bump.

This same Yogi also had a regular meditation practice. Often her emotions would arise to the surface and she would struggle with overwhelming feelings of anger and grief. Tears of anger would fill her eyes and drip down her cheeks filling her hands cupped in mudra. She thought if only I could get rid of this anger, I would stop crying. So with great determination she practiced being firm, unmoving and non-preferential to all her feelings.

After some time, the plantar bump was disolved away and in its place was a hole. To her utter disbelief, she found that the hole in her foot also put her off balance. When she discovered this she cried out with anger and grief.

"How can I find and keep my balance?"

The moral of the story is balance like all in the middle way is not fixed, firm and lasting.
Sometimes there is a deep precipice on one side, and a steep cliff on the other, yet the middle way is finding a place where comfort meets discomfort over and over again.

A Discourse On Compassion

2010-03-25T05:11:00.000-07:00

Tommi: I've heard you say that you believe your life is a path of compassion. Could you explain this?

Hoyu: Well, this is through personal experience. Turning away from adversity and challenges in life lead (and have led) to suffering. Through the experience of investigating and immersing into the cause of suffering there is the opportunity to become aware even of its transient nature. Suffering arises and then after a while dissolves. (Just as non-suffering does) This change is not an option or even a choice. The only choice is how we respond to the obvious nature of change.

Perhaps, the practice is to move mindfully along the path of suffering/compassion until awakening to the realization of it being the doorway. The understanding that there truly is no separation.

A favourite quote from "There Is Nothing Wrong With You" by Cheri Huber seems to ring true.

The only way out of this life of suffering is through the doorway of compassion.

"But how do you find the doorway?"

You can't find it because you are it. The moment there is nothing left of you but compassion, you ARE the doorway. The door is wide open and you are free.

This is accompanied by a wonderful line drawing of a face looking down towards the chest/heart which displays an open door with a dancing figure in it.

Suffering becomes an option when you experience suffering and non-suffering.

Tommi: Okay, so that is the personal journey. How do you extend compassion to others?

Hoyu: First by being compassionate with yourself. This is an incredibly difficult practice because western social conditioning is focussed on "shame and blame". Moving beyond this and really understanding that mistakes happen. And not only do mistakes transpire but accidents happen, tragedies occur, errors exist, unskillful thinking is followed by unskillful behaviour. Becoming aware, correcting where possible, understanding that everyone makes mistakes and applying liberal self forgiveness all can be a precursor to compassion. Only through self forgiveness and compassion can the same be accorded to others.

Of course, this explanation because of the nature of words infers that this existence is linear. The explaining is only intended to be a finger pointing at an idea.

The Way of Illness

2010-03-24T07:35:00.000-07:00

I have decided to take a different tack with this viral infection.

Instead of fighting it, I now make peace with it.

Embrace it, with love and understanding, as if it were a dear friend.

After all it is here to teach me to slow down, remind me that I am not immortal and show me what a blessing good health is. It too has a life that it must live, the natural course of things is that it will arise and then it will dissolve. Instead of offering anger and fear, I will make offerings of Kama c.a.z.e., Happy Planet Cold & Flu Remedy shot, hot ginger tea, hot epsom salt baths, deep, healing breaths, gentle yin yoga, more zazen, peppermint and lavender oils. I will sacrifice dairy products, negative thoughts and long waking hours for more rest, sleep and gentleness to my-self.

As the life of this virus draws to a close, I will thank it for visiting me and teaching me more about true me.

Sangha Sunday in a Salmon Forest!

2010-03-21T18:22:00.000-07:00

Thanks everyone for a wonderful morning. Best kept secret: the Goldstream Visitor Centre http://www.goldstreampark.com/freeman_king_visitor_center.htm

Maggie, I thought you might like to see the green buddha trophy in its new temporary home.

...I want to thank my mom and my dad, and my ex-sister-in-law Hiroko, who gave me the wonderful striped hat...

ps the cat pictured looks like Mr Bingley aka His Princeliness, but is in fact dear sweet Annie, the most protective and motherly cat you could wish for.

True You Haiku

2010-03-20T04:06:00.000-07:00

Wake now sleepy self

True you has no-thing to do

Yes! Arise dissolve

Perhaps

2010-03-19T20:35:00.001-07:00

Perhaps the cherry blossoms of youth

Plant the seeds to inner truth

But as the cherry blossoms fall

Return to earth, still one~with~all.

Virtual Zendo

2010-03-13T08:30:00.000-08:00

I attended Eshu's two "virtual zendo" web conferences this week...it was a powerful experience to sit at home and yet with the sangha. What was usually a challenge for me became much easier, as I sat for 45 minutes. Monday morning's sit inspired me to sit on Tuesday for 45 minutes on my own...

Thanks to Eshu and to everyone that participates!

I've attached a picture of my butsudan at home, complete with the VZC virtual zendo streaming on my iPhone (you can download the Adobe Connect app for free from the App Store).

Suchness

2010-03-11T07:34:00.000-08:00

Practicing meditation in every moment; posturing asanas in every movement.
The limitations of the words describe the moment as separate; the limitless practicing flows so there is no separation.

Jiki is firm but loving; stern but sweet.

Practicing both giving and receiving corrections.

Ego sits in a corner minding its own business.

Popping up occasionally to remind true self that it is there to tease and taunt to test and torment ... and remind.

~ ~

A Haiku ~ 3 = 1

when three become one

subject object distance

subobjdis true love

Noble Truth of Suffering

2010-03-08T16:22:00.000-08:00

Dear friends,

I wanted to write to you all to talk about some of my challenges and struggles on the path. I read last night the vows that I took at Jukai and reminded myself of the commitments I made. I came to Zen practice in response to the noble truth of suffering as it manifested in my own life. I was going through a period of anxiety and insomnia and I needed to find a way forward. Through the years that I have been involved with the Centre, I have seen many positive changes happen in my life and some major shifts in my awareness and responsiveness to the world around me. Yet, through this, I continued to hit against the old patterns, the battles with sleep, the anxiety and self-doubt. Recently, I have found myself struggling again with many of the same challenges. Pounding anxiety with no obvious source and the struggles to gain rest. The teachings have been a great source of strength, yet the challenges persist. I am committed to following the teachings of Buddha, to apply his antidote of awareness, meditation and no-self to the suffering that is present. The practice does not protect me from difficulties - it is not an insurance policy. But, in time, with faith and persistence, I hope that I can bring better balance to my speech, body and mind. “May all beings be well, free from harm and difficulties, may they be peaceful and happy”. Nine Bows.

Caution

2010-03-06T01:56:00.001-08:00

Faster

2010-03-04T17:40:00.000-08:00

Faster! Do it faster!! Do more!!! Do it all at the same time.

Why do we hurtle through life at break neck speed? Why do we want to race toward death without experiencing the precious moments of life? Most have experienced that the more we do to free up time the less time we have.

In fact, the faster we do "our stuff" the more likely we are to make mistakes. Mistakes which as we correct use more of our precious time that we are trying to save for... who knows what. Perhaps, the remedy to "not having enough time" is simply to slow down.

Slowwwwwwwwwwly and methodically brushing every tooth surface, flossing between every single tooth, tracing around each tooth with the rubber tipped tool, brushing the tongue, then rinsing and savouring a lively mouth feeling.

Or patiently and carefully cleaning glasses, plates, cups, cutlery, plastic tupperware before greasy cookware, wiping the sink, the counter, the front of the stove where we dripped spaghetti sauce, wiping behind the taps where grime deposits live, polishing up the taps to a twinkle. Fully, submersed in the detail of a complete activity, treating every moment as a shining precious jewel, we find each moment is full and complete.

And what do you know, there is more then enough time.

However, don't believe me. Try it for yourself.

Still Sitting On Sunday

2010-02-28T15:37:00.000-08:00

In the morning light, heart decals on the window shape a shadow on the golden wood of the butsodan/fireplace/room divider/Wall of Buddhas.

Incense drifts through my line of vision like wispy scented clouds.

A raucous murder of crows chant sutras in a foreign language.

In kinhin, the crunch, crunch, crunch, sqlch, sqlch of feet punctuates the air as we walk as one.

Inside I dance with my sadness, embrace my fears, weep with my heart and then find peace and joy in the tears rolling down my cheeks and the drip drip from my nose into my cupped hands.

Here now, silently supported by the still presence of sisters and brothers, sitting as one.

I live on Faithful Street.

Dana and Peer Support

2010-02-27T10:01:00.000-08:00

It was the day after our peer support meeting and I was still awash in that wonderful feeling of friendship and support that follows those meetings. It dawned on me, as I was out walking our dog, how interconnected peer support and dana was for me.

I had been reluctant to join the dana group when it initally started up. Having been caught up in the pre-retirement mode of thinking for the past decade, I was consumed with saving my pennies for my old age, hyper vigilant that I would have `enough'. Once I joined, it became easy to give, especially since I was surrounded by individuals whose values of generosity and support for practice were what I aspired to.

Back to the interconnectedness between peer support and dana - I realized that preparation for reitrement should not be just a monetary pursuit but should also include developing supportive and enriching relationships to ensure that we are cared for and have meaning in our lives as we age. what would old age be with money but no friends? What if there was no one to take us to appointments or join us for coffee? Or bring us meals when we're sick?

Insurance for a meaningful life is what belonging to the peer support and dana group signifies for me.

Myoshin

This Moment

2010-02-25T07:45:00.000-08:00

These days there is a shiny quality to the moments of this life. It is as if that which I see is in sharper focus, that which I hear has a fuller depth and more range, the experience of food is a regular potpourri of flavours and textures, smells distinct yet not, the feel of clothes on the skin, the textures and their insulating properties ... vivid and clear in a harmonized dance that is this moment. Reminding the mind to settle down like a child bored and desperate for attention, I realize wordlessly, that all of this is happening all the time. There is absolutely nothing that I need to do that will make this moment more wonder-filled. All that is needed, if I so choose, is to be present for it.

Goodbye old man

2010-02-22T22:13:00.000-08:00

Last summer I posted on this blog about going to Vancouver to say goodbye to my 94-year-old grandfather. Stubborn guy that he was, last July he rallied and fought off the kidney infection that was expected to be the end last summer. Today he died at age 95, according to the care home staff peacefully and without pain, just slipping away in his sleep.

There has been lots of laughter and tears tonight remembering his strong and quirky character, coming to terms with the simultaneous appreciation of no-birth, no-death from experiences in practice (including practice being with him in our last visits) and also not wanting to let go of the physical experience of his body, to rub his shiny bald head and smell his old man/new baby smell and hold his hands in a way that is no longer possible.

Over the years Zeyds wrote many extremely bad poems for us kids, laboriously plonking them out on a typewriter nearly as old and as cranky as he was. They often included Yiddish curses or at the very least reference to life as a sexually transmitted disease. Shortly after I was arrested at a logging blockade in the Walbran valley he let me know Zeyds-style how simultaneously proud and annoyed he was with the whole spectacle:

Goodbye old man. I miss you. Thank you for everything.

Satisfaction... Can't Get. Uh, whatever.

2010-02-15T22:17:00.000-08:00

When I described to some non-zen-practicing friends what took place during the recent weekend intensive at Queenswood, they pretty much stared at me like I had two heads. "What was the purpose? What did you get out of it?" Well, most folks reading this will know that it's pretty hard to come up with an answer to those questions that will mean anything to the askers. It's like the answer to the question "What is jazz?" If you have to ask, you won't understand the answer. If you could understand the answer, you wouldn't need to ask.
But something did strike me that might sort of answer the questions.
On Sunday evening, still terribly sleep-deprived, I drove up to the Langford bus exchange to pick up my daughter Yuki. As I sat in the car, I realized I'd forgotten my cellphone, so I wouldn't be able to check with her about when her bus would be arriving. There are times when that might cause me a teeny touch of anxiety. But not on Sunday. I was fine just sitting in the car. I mean, you have to physically exist somewhere. A dark car by a Langford road is as good a place as any.
I turned on the radio. The Stone's "Satisfaction" started up. I smiled a big smile. I realized that for the first time I appreciated what that song was about. It's all about the second of the four noble truths, and I smiled and smiled, maybe because, for at least that moment, I was not sharing Mick Jagger's angst in the least. Can't get no satisfaction? Ah well. Let go of it Mick. Let go of it. Even if you got it, you couldn't hang on to it. It's like trying to catch the wind, buddy.

Way to go Soshin!

2010-02-03T20:21:00.000-08:00

Today Soshin was interviewed by a panel from the Interfaith Chaplain's office as the next step towards becoming the UVic Buddhist Chaplain. She rocked the interview and is now proceeding to the next step. Way to go Soshin, thank you for your courage in offering to fill this position and for all that you bring to the sangha. When we do our "what inspired us in 2010" at the first 2011 Dana meeting this will for sure be on the list! You're a wonderful role model in how you practice and how you live your life.

Nori and Shari Ulrich with the Getting Higher Choir

2010-01-31T17:03:00.000-08:00

Just got back from a wonderful day. A sit in Sooke with a talk by Ven. Eshu which for me thankfully clarified the use of the words right and wrong, good and bad. Another way to think of them is skillful means and unskillful means. This is so liberating in that it takes away the judgement and directs us to look at the results of actions. Actually not the topic of the talk but a lovely revelation for me.

Then a car pool ride into town (always a highlight since we get to catch up with each other on the trip to and from Sooke).

We were dropped off at my mom's where we walked together down to the Alix Goolden hall. There we heard Nori sing and about 300 other people and also some professional musicians. The concert was all about heart. Denis and Shivon and the Choir skillfully opened our hearts, moved many to tears, then put us back together with a gentle prayer song and sent us on our way. The feelings evoked by the songs were powerful and painful but what an honour to share them in community. Feeling together the highs and the lows of life brings such richness to our lives.

The concert raised thousands of dollars for the Power of Hope.

Thank you mom for taking us. Thank you Nori for singing! and thank you to Venerable Eshu for continuing to point the way.

Dana meeting tonight

2010-01-27T10:26:00.000-08:00

I'm looking forward to the dana meeting tonight. It seems full of possibility.

I see this evening as an opportunity to practise joyful giving, to let go of my habit of coming from fear, from what if this or what if that? All I have (if have is the right word) is this moment, the future is unknown. I'm happy to be part of a practise that supports sinking into this moment trustingly, and also fearlessly taking responsibility for the future outcomes of my actions stemming from this moment.

We will meet to share a meal, to give and to receive a meal together in community. We'll each come from wherever we are (you know the variety of life- busy, anxious, happy, grudging, stuck, angry, virtuous, bubbly, vacant, whatever) and have a huge opportunity to be in our hearts, acknowledge the importance of the zen centre and our practice in our lives, and stretch a lot as a community to give back to the centre.

It's happened in the past and it could happen again tonight...

Soshin

V.Eshu's moving company

2010-01-11T09:08:00.000-08:00

Hi Everyone,
The one day intensive yesterday... had power dark and deep indeed.

Today I feel refreshed and lighter.

Some people use the metaphor of the person as a house and the personality as the arrangement of the furniture on the inside. I feel like a moving truck has taken some of the excess furniture away. And there's more yet to go.

Going, going, always going.
Thank you Sangha, thank you Venerable Eshu

The poem Robert Frost never wrote

2010-01-03T18:37:00.000-08:00

Sesshin on a Snowy Evening

Whose house this is I do not know.
He might think that we're crazy though;
To sit for days atop his rug
Staring at the floor plug.

My workmates think it's awfully queer
To take my work holiday time here
Getting up at 4 AM
And sitting still for hours on end.

"But wait!" I futilely explain,
"There's cake at end of day, and also
The beauty of the sound of rain. And have I mentioned
What strength comes from letting go into pain?"

They give their heads a shake
And think that I'm a hippie flake.
Admittedly on dark mornings
I think they're right, this is a mistake.

But sesshin has power, dark and deep
And there are vows we want to keep,
When we are dead there's time to sleep.
When we are dead there's time to sleep.

An Example of Beauty

2009-12-21T12:22:00.000-08:00

Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

Robert Frost

Condensed precepts?

2009-12-16T09:40:00.001-08:00

Life, death, and being in community

2009-12-01T15:03:00.000-08:00

On Sunday longtime friend and co-worker Catherine White-Holman died in a plane crash off Saturna Island. Five other people died in that crash, with two people surviving. So many lives changed in that moment.

Over the last 15 years, and in a rather concentrated way in the last 24 hours, I've had many moments of feeling grateful for having had the opportunity to know and learn from Catherine. She was brilliant in many ways including building and being part of community.

In the Zen Centre we talk a lot about the community of practice, the sangha. But as Catherine so beautifully demonstrated throughout her life there is a difference between talking about community as if it were something separate or outside of us, and being in community together, being community.

Last night I called Seishin as the co-coordinator of the peer support team within the VZC to ask for help. Seishin and I recently did a home visit together to sit with two members of the VZC who had a recent death in the family, and in the midst of the shock and grief all I wanted was to have people come and sit with me, to experience grief within the container and structure of zazen.

This morning three people from the VZC brought a mobile zendo to our home and sat in the middle of our living room, admist all the critters, complete with zabutons and bells and clappers. We set up a butsudan on our rolling coffee table, with a picture of Catherine and also of a friend Dean whose death anniversary it is today, with incense filling our house with that familiar smell from the zendo and flowers and ferns from Soshin's garden.

I was afraid to sleep last night, afraid of dreams of the plane sinking into the water and my beloved friend drowning, imagining the terror and panic of her last moments of life, imagining her long hair floating in the water trapped in that plane. Sitting this morning with three dharma friends across from and beside me I was so thankful for the solidity of their presence and the quality of their aliveness, breathing in and out, watching the tiny movements of Eshu's hands and the fabric of his robes move ever so slightly with each breath in, breath out. With each breath memories of Catherine, so many memories of her laughing (she was wicked and irreverent), and the quiet of our breaths in and out.

This is community -- sharing our lives together, the difficult parts as well as the joys; asking for and being there to help each other. Just breathing together, whether that breath is peaceful, struggling, calm, terrified, grief-stricken, with tears or without. Just being together, sharing our lives together.

Thank you everyone for your kindness and care, for demonstrating community, demonstrating sangha.

Gassho,

Joshua

Jew-Bus?! by Doshu

2009-11-29T20:41:00.000-08:00

Joshua, you so expand my limited experience world view! At first I thought that 'Jew-Bus' must be an ethnic slur, or perhaps some sort of Talmudic transit option. Google to the rescue, and I find a Rabbi warning of the dangers of mixing Buddhism with Judaism - who knew? Thanks for sharing this part of your heritage with me. - Doshu

Hallmark cards for Jew-Bus

2009-11-28T07:41:00.000-08:00

Yesterday a card arrived from my grandmother in Denver, Colorado:

Hosen-Ji Zen Centre to VZC

2009-11-25T13:22:00.000-08:00

During 2000-2003 I had the opportunity to visit and study in and around Kyoto, Japan on three occasions. Kyoto is a cultural jewel for Japan with 17 World Heritage sites, 1600 Buddhist temples and 100’s of majestic Japanese Gardens. In studying the history and culture of these Gardens I was able to view many from inside Temples. In passing through the hallways I could hear the chants, see monks, smell incense and from a distance see the seated meditation.

On my last visit I was curious about this meditation in the temples and asked to go to a Zen Centre for a few days. Somehow I found myself at the Hosen-Ji Zen Centre nestled in the mountains and countryside near Arashiyama, outside of Kyoto. Having no experience with meditation I thought I was going to a relaxing retreat or an onsen - maybe if I was lucky it might have a spa attached. In reality I was sitting for long periods of seated meditation, silent eating and monks walking behind me with sticks! I had no idea what was happening or what was coming next and no one could tell me in English. The most unexpected event occurred as we headed out for one our work periods. I was hoping it would be something simple such as working in the garden! But I was sent to the streets with the group asking for support for the Zen Center. I don’t think anyone could tell I was a foreigner with my loose fitting outfit, conical straw hat, bell, uncomfortable thong shoes and a pocket for money. We shuffled through the streets, ringing bells, chanting and the people of the community came out to give us food, money, encouragement and respect. I think my favorite moment was finally getting a chance to sit down and rest my feet, eating donated fresh fruit in an empty outdoor sumo wrestling venue (yes really)! I left the Hosen-Ji Zen Centre feeling a sense of wonder, freedom, curiosity and most of all just a little bit of contentment.

Back to reality in Victoria with no more trips scheduled to Japan, I was searching again. I was divorced with two children and confused. I started to build my life again and searched out the Victoria Zen Centre and Eshu. I had so many questions about what I experienced in Japan and how I could continue to learn. But I had interruptions and curiosities of other centers and techniques. My children continued to take up my time; I developed a business in Horticultural Therapy and I traveled to India on my own. I made many appearances at the Victoria Zen Centre (VZC) but was never able to commit to the practice and become a member. I took other detours with unsuccessful new relationships, physical fitness challenges and goals, an attempt at a new career completely unsuited to me and death. Finally, the realization that I had to get back to the Victoria Zen Centre - it was the only thing that made sense and there was always a sense of relief coming back and a wonderful acceptance.

I thank Ven. Eshu, Doshu and VZC members for their gentle encouragements along the way. It has been a long journey from my first initiation at Hosen-Ji Zen Center in Japan to finally becoming a member at the VZC. But really it is only the beginning. I leave you with this inscription from the Daisen-in Temple and Garden in Kyoto.

Each day in life is training
Training for myself
Though failure is possible
Living each moment
Equal to anything
Ready for anything
I am alive – I am this moment
My future is here and now
For if I cannot endure today
When and where will I
(words for each day) – Soen Ozeku
**the image above is of a phoenix at Byodoin Temple

This morning in the neighbourhood

2009-11-25T10:44:00.000-08:00

One year post-car, 4 months since Doshu's ordination.

Walking to the grocery store, Doshu in monk's robes with his trundle buggy, being smiled at by little old ladies, accosted by a young man who wanted to know everything.
Are you a monk? What's zen all about? Do you get anything out of it? So it's mainly meditation? I'd like to learn to meditate, my mom does. But I really want a group to do it with...

Watching Venerable Doshu sweetly and patiently field questions, and support this young person in checking out Zen Buddhism for himself, I am filled with gratitude to be sharing this moment with him.

Soshin

VZC on Wikipedia!

2009-11-20T16:44:00.000-08:00

The VZC now has two Wikipedia pages:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Victoria_Zen_Centre

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Venerable_Eshu_Martin

Check them out!

Doshu on the Daily

2009-11-10T11:15:00.000-08:00

For those that missed it this summer, here is the video of Doshu on Shaw Cable Victoria's Daily Show.

VIDEO

VICTORIA ZEN CENTRE CHANTING

2009-11-08T20:57:00.000-08:00

Hello all,

The newest recorded version of the Victoria Zen Centre chanting together is available for download HERE and should be available on iTunes shortly.

Brad Warner, Dana and Dogen

2009-11-01T17:42:00.000-08:00

Dogen: "Earning a living and doing productive work are originally nothing other than free giving."

Brad Warner on Dogen: "Working for a living is ... a means of giving freely of ourselves for the sake of others."

Sei-in on Brad on Dogen: "Receiving is a means of giving, while giving is a means of receiving."

I have to say that at the last Dana meeting, I was feeling kind of fed up. The VZC didn't actually need any more money right now and I felt it was unreasonable for Eshu to have a Dana meeting and ask for money when we didn't need any money to run the organization. To top it off, I was just getting back from a couple of days in Vancouver, which left me feeling cranky and tired.

So that was my state of mind when I arrived. We all met, shared dinner and the started the form of council. This is a form that I first experienced on the street retreats. I find it an extremely powerful way for a group to come together and collectively process their experience.

We went around the circle a couple of times. On my first turn to talk, I felt cranky (and I think my words were cranky). I was able to share my feelings without judgment and then listened to the others. As the evening progressed, I came back to a place that I have been before - a feeling that there is no giving and no receiving. If I investigate what is happening when I am giving, then I can see that I am also receiving. Similarly if I look into when I am receiving, I can see that I am giving as well.

In the end, Mitra and I were pleased to make another donation to the VZC. I left the evening in a very good mood (a big change from when I arrived).

As Dogen says, which Brad Warner comments on and then I interpret:
"Receiving is a means of giving, while giving is a means of receiving."

You'll find yourself using this perfume again and again and again and ...

2009-10-31T14:22:00.000-07:00

HARDCORE ZEN IN VICTORIA WITH BRAD WARNER

2009-10-27T14:12:00.000-07:00

Co-sponsored by Victoria Zen Centre and UVic Interfaith Services

Brad Warner is a Zen monk, writer, bass player and film-maker. He wrote the books Hardcore Zen, Sit Down And Shut Up and his latest, Zen Wrapped in Karma Dipped in Chocolate. His Zen pedigree, for those who value such things, is that he received Dharma Transmission from Gudo Nishijima Roshi, who received his transmission from Rempo Niwa Roshi who, at the time was the head of the Soto Sect in Japan. He was also a student of Tim McCarthy, who was a student of Kobun Chino Roshi.

Brad will be joining us for three events here in Victoria from November 16-23, 2009.
1. Tuesday November 17, 2009 7pm, Victoria, BC Canada

University of Victoria Interfaith Chapel, Lot #6 UVic Ring Road

Tuesday Zen Open House

Zen meditation and Q&A

The Victoria Zen Centre and UVic Interfaith Services co-sponsor a beginner’s group each week. 3x15 minute sits with a talk in the second one (just 15 minutes). Afterwards there is tea, introductions, and a period of question and response. Brad will do a short talk and field questions.

2. Thursday November 19, 2009 7pm, Victoria, BC Canada

University of Victoria Interfaith Chapel, Lot #6 UVic Ring Road

Public talk

This will be Brad's main talk, and there will be plenty of opportunity for questions. Brad's books will be available for purchase. Fun will be had by all.

There is no cost for this event, however space is limited. If you would like to attend, please contact office@zenwest.ca. Two seats can be reserved per email.

3. Sunday November 22, 2009 6am-5pm

Victoria Zen Centre, Sooke, BC

Members one-day intensive with Brad Warner

Our regular monthly one-day intensive will feature Brad Warner giving the Dharma talk and conducting interviews with members.

Fees for the intensive are $29 for Full Members and $79 for Basic Members. All funds will go to Brad Warner. Space is limited, so register early.

For more information, please contact office@zenwest.ca

The music of the zendo

2009-10-23T17:29:00.000-07:00

I've been really nervous about the upcoming December sesshin and thought I would post a question here about how people who have done long periods of sitting deal with the fear and anxiety about the physical pain as well as the actual sensation of the pain.

But then I read Eshu's most recent transcribed Dharma talk at http://eshuzentalks.blogspot.com/2009/10/on-form.html and it reminded me of an experience in the May sesshin that I thought I'd post about as well as encouraging comments about physical pain and long sits.

An excerpt from Eshu's talk:

So we have bells and clappers, gongs and drums, and sounding boards, and all kinds of musical instruments that lead us through the schedule of the day.... [T]his day that we engage in, a day of practice together, is a song in which we all take part...

At the May sesshin one of my functions as Joko was to play the kaihan throughout the day. With help from Eshu in interview the relationship to the kaihan changed from whacking away at a piece of wood to relating to it as a musical instrument and playing it not only with love but experiencing the playing of it as mutual -- the kaihan and I playing each other.

Throughout that sesshin the use of the keisaku was often a jarring experience, even though I welcomed the physical relief of the stimulation of my shoulder muscles and was grateful for the courage and compassion of those wielding it. But at one point it shifted and the sound of the keisaku meeting the sitter was no longer someone being hit, but rather the same sound as the mallet hitting the kaihan -- the music of our practice together, the percussion of the zendo.

Looking forward to practicing with all of you in December, pain, music, and all!

SENSE RESTRAINT EXERCISE

2009-10-07T04:54:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone,

At last night's sit I was asked if I could make the exercise of sense restraint that we do for the Fundamentals of Zen course at the Victoria Zen Centre. Here it is! Remember, just pick ONE and do it for a week.

Restraint of the Six Senses

Sight:
• Refrain from T.V., movies, video games, or unnecessary computer use.
• Refrain from unnecessary reading.
• Refrain from indulgence in visual pleasures in response to boredom, emotional strain, or comfort seeking.

Sound:
• Be conscious and make an effort to eliminate background noise (radio, T.V. etc)
• Become comfortable with silence.
• Refrain from engaging in frivolous or unnecessary chatter.
• Don’t indulge in eavesdropping or give ear to gossip or slander.
• Refrain from indulgence in auditory pleasures in response to boredom, emotional strain, or comfort seeking.

Smell:
• Refrain from using perfumes, strongly scented soaps or deodorants.
• Do not avoid or cover up unpleasant odours (bathrooms etc.)
• Be aware of the effect of the sense of smell on desire, ie. food, sexuality etc.
• Refrain from indulgence in olfactory pleasures in response to boredom, emotional strain, or comfort seeking.

Taste:
• Eat only at meal times (breakfast, lunch, and dinner) with only water at other times-no snacks.
• Eat simple foods, and do not indulge in overly rich, sweet, or heavy foods.
• Eat modestly at meals. Do not overeat to compensate for not snacking.
• Refrain from indulgence in taste pleasures in response to boredom, emotional strain, or comfort seeking.

Touch:
• Refrain from environmental comfort seeking, do not adjust the temperature unless you are ill or seriously at risk of becoming so.
• Practice letting go into hot and cold.
• Refrain from wearing or sleeping in luxurious fabrics (silk, velvet, fur, cashmere, angora etc)
• Abstain from masturbation.
• Refrain from indulgence in tactile pleasures in response to boredom, emotional strain, or comfort seeking.

Thought:
• Refrain from all intoxicants and stimulants (includes coffee, black or green tea {even decaffeinated}, caffeinated soda beverages, chocolate etc).
• Refrain from mental fantasy (ie. what I would do if I won the lotto).
• Refrain from mental indulgence in video games, reading, sexual thinking, and philosophical debate.
• Refrain from scenario building and negative thought indulgence.
• Refrain from indulgence in mental pleasures in response to boredom, emotional strain, or comfort seeking.

VZC Book Club

2009-10-04T16:10:00.000-07:00

A few of us have been tossing around the idea of a book club. Just regular books, maybe some poetry, definitely NOT a zen study group.

Today we chose our first book! We're reading "Hardcore Zen". You can too. It's available to read on line here

Read it then come see the author. Brad Warner will be in Victoria from November 16-22nd. Stay tuned for event dates.

This new book club is a direct result of the fun we have had carpooling out to Sooke for Sunday sits at the zendo.

By rights this post could be about the fabulous talk Venerable Eshu gave today and I'll try to write about that later, maybe someone else (you guys know who you are) will give it a try in the mean time... Oh no! this is too cool, that's what all those monks said back in the day when they were asked to write a poem about the dharma...
(anonymous)

Random notes from last night's meeting

2009-10-01T07:58:00.000-07:00

Dana, the practice of generosity.

Practising generosity helps balance our acquisitiveness. We are surrounded by a universe in balance that is all about giving and receiving. Think of a river: every moment receiving water, every moment giving it up.

Generosity is also a great teacher helping us understand our humanity - giving till you drop simply burdens your friends and family as they pick up the pieces. Or does it? it also gives them an opportunity to give and to grow.

Generosity isn't just about giving alms to the poor, handouts to street people, love to one's family and friends, a living wage to one's abbot. It may also be about pouring oneself completely and unreservedly into each moment.

Thank you Ven. Eshu. Thank you Dana group. Great food, heart felt sharing, enough money to support Ven. Eshu donated, a community creating a safe environment to explore and grow.

soshin

Reflections on Dana

2009-09-18T15:54:00.000-07:00

Last week Ven. Eshu mailed out on the members' listserv an invitation to participate in the Dana group, which meets quarterly (next meeting Sept 30). As explained in that email, the idea for a Dana group arose during the Zen Centre's 2009 strategic planning sessions held last fall/winter and serves not only to help support the financial costs of the Zen Centre but also to provide, in Ven. Eshu's words, an "experiential investigation of Dana practice".

Ven. Eshu already covered in his email the origins of the Dana group and the function in terms of financial stability and sustainability for the Zen Centre. I thought I'd write a bit about my experience of the Dana meetings on the other aspect -- the opportunity to investigate Dana practice.

The main challenge in Dana practice for me has been around money. I grew up in a family affluent enough to never go hungry or worry about housing, but also in a political and cultural environment very conscious around poverty and inequality -- the "class struggle" was a phrase used with great frequency and many of my childhood memories are of protests, pickets, and union rallies. After moving out of my parents' place, there were a few short term jobs but for seven years I lived first off student loans and then on welfare. These were lean years where most months I ran out of money partway through the month so stole food or rooted through garbage bins for supermarket rejects to eat, came up with various scams to get reduced costs for basics like bus fare and used clothes/shoes, and often couch surfed when I couldn't make rent. Most months I asked people (mostly my family, but sometimes strangers) for help.

In my late twenties a friend told me about a job in a non-profit organization that valued life experience over other credentials, and so after years of unemployment I got a professional job at union wages. A couple years after that I lucked into a secretarial job at the university, where the wages were slightly better and the benefits far better. Since that time although I've sometimes had to scramble for work and have often been stressed about money, especially during periods of illness, I again consistently have a roof over my head and enough food to eat.

Now in 2009 our 2-person household is among the very rich by global standards. Last year we had a joint annual income of $42,180 after taxes, and we own a house. We have a joint bank account for joint expenses (the house, our animals, food) and also each have our own bank accounts for our individual expenses (clothes, donations, transportation, gifts, health care, etc.). Having proportionally scaled our contributions to the joint account to reflect the difference in our incomes, each month after putting money in to the joint account I have $415 to cover everything else. That money, like our joint money, is budgeted to the penny.

That's a lot of money but before starting Dana practice I often approached life as if I was still poor, with a lot of fear, anxiety, and also a lot of anger and judgment about people who have more money than we do. My basic position was that there was no way I could possibly afford to donate to the Zen Centre on top of the monthly membership fee and the small monthly amount I donate to the Zen Centre.

As always with practice in the Zen Centre, nobody guilt tripped or forced me into participating in the Dana group. People I greatly respect were part of it so I just got curious about it and decided to go, not planning to contribute any cash, just to see what it was like. The first meeting was at tax return time and shortly before going I did my tax return and realized I'd be getting around $300 back so pledged that money. For the next one I decided to experiment for a month with cutting everything out of my personal budget that wasn't absolutely necessary, to see how much I could scrape up for the Zen Centre -- figuring it would be just a few dollars at best as I didn't think I had many luxuries within my existing budget. I started with an inventory of all my financial assets (RRSP and savings account) and the details of my monthly budget, taking a hard look at what I really had vs. what I felt I had. As the month went along I experimented with eating less (as some of the financial stress comes from not being able to save for house repairs and other unexpected emergencies out of our joint account) and also did absolutely nothing social that cost money -- no going out for coffee or meals, renting movies, or any of the other occasional treats within my existing budget. To my surprise during that period I was offered a bit of freelance work on top of my job, and so over the course of three months was able to contribute $500 as part of the Dana group. I also during this time read a book by Peter Singer, "The Life You Can Save", which explores the morality of what people living in rich countries should be contributing to end dire poverty -- although I didn't agree with everything in the book it did, like the Dana group, provide the opportunity to see more clearly inconsistencies between my beliefs/values and my day to day actions relating to money.

Intrigued by the experience of the experiment with what could be cut and what I really could contribute, I decided to continue the one month experiment and use it as an opportunity to be completely honest about how much money I have and the choices I make in relation to money. This has required explaining to the people in my life that although I want to spend time with them I don't want to spend time doing things that cost money. Although people have mostly been supportive there have been some hurt feelings and eye-rolling with comments about "martyrdom" and "moral superiority".

For me this experiment with money has not been at all about moral superiority, although it has been about values. For many years I've talked about social justice and contributed a lot in various ways, but there have been inconsistencies and tendencies to selfish indulgences. The selfish tendencies are still there but I have been able to more clearly and honestly stand for what I believe in, and act in a way that is more consistent with those values. At the same time I've been able to see that my values are reflections of my day to day actions so have been less politically dogmatic about what my values should be, and more clear about how they're manifesting through my day to day life.

A side benefit of all of this has been the letting go of anxiety about money and coming to see that I am not still living on welfare. As part of being sick I spent $800 on health care, and cried and cried the day after paying those bills feeling that I had just blown my entire savings on something totally stupid and unnecessary. I did this even though I knew I'd be getting a gift from my grandfather that would cover those costs and really I was not going to be penniless as a result. As a slow learner in practice it takes a lot of these incidents to make a dint in these kinds of habitual reactions but it feels like the practice of being in the Dana group is steadily chipping away at it.

At the last Dana group meeting a parent talked about Dana as the kind of open-hearted generosity that is there when you respond to something your child needs. There is no thinking about doing this because it makes me a good person or because I should do it, the need is in front of you and you spontaneously respond in an appropriate way. Although I don't have children, that particular parent has been wonderfully generous in allowing me to spend time with her children and the feeling she talked about was something I had experienced with her kids -- an open hearted engagement.

Seeing when this feeling can be brought to other aspects of life, whether it's open hearted giving of money or time or attentive listening or something else, has been the practice for me in the last couple months. Buddhism hooked me so strongly at age 16 because life as suffering was easy for me to relate to. But in the last few months I've been seeing, in bits and pieces, the flip side -- the joy in life, and the possibility of connecting with that joy right now if I let go of "I" as a subject that the rest of the world revolves around and engage in genuine relationship with the world without concerns about what I look like and how I'll be perceived.

The picture at the top of this post reminded me of the experience of Dana as an activity that is an open-hearted exchange of joy. I've been the beggar in the picture, and I've been the giver in the picture as well. Asking for help, offering help, receiving help when it is offered -- all have been immeasurably enriched by the process of being in the Dana group. For anyone interested in checking it out I hope you'll come to the September meeting, and look forward to hearing what the experience has been like for other people engaged in this practice!

P.S. -- Before participating in the Dana group, the percentage of my income (from all sources -- work, gifts, tax refund, etc.) going to Dana was averaging around 10% -- now it's at 15%.

NICK AND SHELLEY HAVE A BABY

2009-09-10T20:41:00.000-07:00

Member Nick Ruedy and his partner Shelley Dewar are thrilled to announce that at 10:12am on Tuesday September 8th, 2009 Shelley gave birth to a bouncing baby boy, who they have named Jasper. Weighing in at 8lbs. 11oz. he looks the picture of health. Here he is with his papa.

More on pain vs suffering

2009-09-02T19:52:00.000-07:00

>By Soshin

It began at a recent family dinner - you know the kind - good food, good wine, laughs, family time. We were accidentally all home at the same time, and we all had the idea of some quality time together before our Fall plans take us in different directions...

Then, unexpectedly for me, wham, someone makes a pointed comment. I'm hurt. All the fun goes out of the evening. I retreat, start cleaning up. I feel the pain and think about Ven. Eshu's teaching, about Joshua's blog about pain and suffering. Where is the pain? in my chest. Who is feeling it? just for a moment the pain goes away. There's just space.

Then the pain is back, a tight ache in my chest that reaches up and pulls down the corners of my mouth, makes my eyes water. I retreat into a familiar set of responses, don't want to talk, feel hurt and right and self justified and very confused. The pain is familiar, the behaviour familiar, the goal to hurt back.

I think: just break the pattern.

I'm conscious that the Pain is in my chest and the Suffering is everything else: feelling inadequate as a parent, berating myself for being so stupid, wanting to niggle away at the pain like picking at a scab. I finish cleaning up, and start writing to try to gain some insight or at least perspective...

I realize that for this dinner I had an agenda of pure family fun and I also had mountains of unconscious baggage. The thing of it is that I'm not conscious of my unconscious baggage. I can feel it leading me by the nose, but don't have any kind of grip on it. In this case it took the form of a totally unrealistic ideal of family life.

This experience though somewhat brutal at the time has given me some clarity on a particular habit pattern, and a great incentive to sit sit sit!

Pain vs. suffering

2009-08-30T10:33:00.000-07:00

In Buddhist books and talks there is often discussion of the distinction between pain -- physical sensations -- and suffering, how the mind experiences and reacts to those sensations.

In the last year I've had several opportunities to explore this teaching through illness and recovery from two surgeries. Each time I thought "Ah, I understand this teaching now, I've really grasped it", only to find that the next time around the same old mental whirlpool of self-pity, anger, fear, depression, and longing to collapse into helplessness without taking any responsibility for the situation.

Most recently I've been sick for a month or so, not able to do much other than eat, sleep, and sometimes work and do house chores -- not much sitting (and no zendo practice), no yoga, no volunteering other than the occasional email.

This has been a very interesting practice experience. The physical discomfort of the nausea and the pain is, objectively, not particularly intense but the suffering has been quite heavy at times. It often takes me a while to see what is going on and so it's only after four weeks or so that I can see that the main limitation to my usual day to day activities is not the physical sensation, but rather the suffering that my mind is creating around "being sick". At home, when there's a flareup of pain or nausea it's not a big deal -- I just walk around or lie down until it goes away. I know that Reese loves me and am not embarrassed to be myself around him, nausea/pain and all. In the world outside the house I am obsessed with what people think of me, swinging between the polar extremes of wanting to grit my teeth and work through the pain so that people are impressed with my toughness, and wanting to lie in a blubbering heap and have everyone give me "poor-poors" (poor, poor Josh). To my chagrin, not being a particularly tough person the blubbering heap side tends to predominate.

So the question then arises how to practice with these tendencies. Just observing them feels humiliating. I want to do something to change them so I'm not so embarrassed by myself. It struck me that one thing I could do was be honest on this blog about what is happening, both as a way of being accountable for my absence from the zendo and other VZC activities, and also as a way of acknowledging that this is not an exceptionally embarrassing or awful condition to be in -- it is part of being human. There's a reason why teachings about pain and suffering are fundamental! Thanks everyone for all that you do to help with practice in the parts of life that are difficult.

Vegetarian Dreams...?

2009-08-21T12:09:00.000-07:00

Curious as to why I am a vegetarian? Or wondering how much impact one short dream can have in my life?

Once again, this isn't specifically about Buddhism, so I am just putting a link up here on the VZC newsletter:

http://sei-inremyjordan.blogspot.com/2009/08/dream-why-i-am-vegetarian.html

"Seeing is Believing" Tour

2009-08-13T22:11:00.000-07:00

Hello My Zen Centre Friends,

I just finished a post on my experiences on a "Seeing is Believing" tour that I recently did of Vancouver's downtown Eastside. I didn't think that it made sense to post it on our newsletter (as it is not directly related to the VZC), but I did want to let folks know about it. If you are interested, you can find it here:

http://sei-inremyjordan.blogspot.com/2009/08/seeing-is-believing-tour-of-downtown.html

Sei-in

Sangha Sunday August 23 2009

2009-08-10T22:21:00.000-07:00

Sangha Sunday August 23 2009
East Sooke Park (Aylard Farm)
10:00AM—2:00PM?

This month's Sangha Sunday will be held at the beach at the Aylard's Farm end of East Sooke Park. The idea is to enjoy the beach, the meadow and the forest together.

We won't be organizing any ambitious games, although we'll probably have a few fun group activities for those who want them.

• Bring picnic stuff. I still don't know if we'll be able to grill anything, so plan on bringing sandwiches or whatever for you and your family and friends, and maybe something to share with everyone if you feel so inclined. (I'm hoping to bring some Uminami Farm organic watermelon!)
• Bring beach stuff: buckets, balls, frisbees, sunblock... You know the kind of thing.
• If anyone has a beach volleyball set, please bring it. This is a perfect beach for that!
• We're leaving the ending time open. Stay for as long or as short a time as you wish.

• The sand at the Aylard Farm beach is perfect for incense bowls, so bring a container if you're in the market for that substance.

• There is a splendid meadow perfect for frisbee, catch, kite flying or just plain old-fashioned gamboling.

• There is a very pleasant hike to an ancient petroglyph. It takes about 30 minutes to get there from the beach. I've done this hike with my mother-in-law, who is in her eighties. But still, you should have sensible footwear if you want to go to the petroglyph. I wouldn't do it in flip flops.

While hiking in East Sooke park I have seen: Orcas, deer, sea lions, seals, otters, eagles, herons, myriad raccoons, squirrels, birds, and other small beings. I also once saw a fresh cougar track, but we won't be lucky enough to see one of those cats with all the racket we'll be making!

Just find your way to the parking lot at Aylard's Farm (a link to directions is below). Then head towards the beach. You can't miss it: It's right beside the ocean!

I'll be sending a PDF with more information and a map to all VZC members.
I look forward to seeing you there!
Please RSVP to seanholland@telus.net

Petroglyph photo
Directions to the park
http://www.eastsookepark.com/

A thank-you to all

2009-07-25T20:40:00.000-07:00

At the recent commitment ceremony, I experienced the most wonderful outpouring of love and kindness from all who were present, and from many who were unable to attend. Thank-you all.

I particularly want to acknowledge my wife Soshin, for her patience and unqualified support, my fellow initiates, Seishin, Myoshin, and Myoko, who made the day so memorable, the sangha of the Victoria Zen Centre, for their energy and encouragement, and our teacher, Venerable Eshu, without whose guidance none of this would be possible.

nine bows,
Doshu

A Moment of Change

2009-07-17T16:30:00.000-07:00

I am standing on a dirt road in Cambodia. It is hot. I feel connected to the sky above my head and to the ground underneath my feet. I feel that I am where I should be, doing what I should be doing.

I have just finished giving out packages of school supplies to lots of children. The kids have gone off to look at what they have received and I am speaking with an old Cambodian woman. We are talking about how the Khmer Rouge killed her husband. She asked if I could give her any money and I have quietly pushed a US twenty dollar bill into her hands. She asks me why I am doing this.

"Because I am a Buddhist." I reply.

At this point, I had been practicing Buddhism for almost exactly 2 years, but that was the first time I told almost anyone that I was Buddhist.

I had just spent 6 months in Southeast Asia visiting a variety of Buddhist countries. I was keeping my head shaved at that time (looking a lot like a Buddhist monk). Folks kept asking me if I was Buddhist. I would side-step the question and just say that, "it was a good way to keep cool."

I didn't want to say that I was Buddhist.

For 18 months previously, I was in Victoria (before we left on the trip) and I didn't mention my involvement in Buddhism to anyone except a few close people.

For 24 months, I was worried about what people would think if I said that I was Buddhist. I was worried that people would think I was flaky. I was worried about how this would change what it was to be Eric. Would this change my identity (both in my own eyes and in the eyes of others)? I was worried that I was pretending and somehow a fake. Perhaps I wasn't as sincere as others? Somehow Buddhism belonged to someone else and I was intruding.

In that moment on the hot dirt road in Cambodia, I acted differently.

In that moment in Cambodia, the most truthful, deepest, honest and authentic answer that I could give to the old Cambodian woman was, "I am giving these things because I am Buddhist."

That was a turning point for me. Since then, I have been very open about my involvement with Buddhism. I had feared that I would find rejection, concern and disagreement. Instead, I have found interest, curiosity and so much more acceptance than I would have thought possible. What a wonderful surprise!

The acceptance started in this important moment with the old woman in Cambodia. When I told her, she nodded. There was no scolding or anger. There was only happiness, warm acceptance and understanding. She replied to me, "Of course you are. I am Buddhist as well."

She held my hands tight, smiled and her eyes beamed. Then she walked with me out of the sun, to sit with a dozen or so mothers and their children. We enjoyed fresh coconut milk while the room filled with smiles and laughter.

Names, Names and More Names

2009-07-10T20:40:00.000-07:00

I Want A Cool Buddhist Name!

So when I first got involved with Buddhism, I thought it was so cool to have a Buddhist name. What a great thing! To have some cool sounding Japanese name that I could use. I wanted one!

Name? I Don't Want A Buddhist Name!

I practiced with the VZC for a few years and then had the chance to attend my first sesshin. During that sesshin, I had my first clear memories of my abuse as a child. It was a very overwhelming experience. Part way through the sesshin I lost my interest in getting a Buddhist name. I asked myself, "Why would I want that? I feel so f**ked up. I am just going to focus on meditating."

Don't Think About It Too Much...

After another year and a half, I met the requirements for Jukai. I wasn’t working towards this, but it happened anyways. Eshu asked me if I wanted to do the ceremony. The idea rolled around in my head and when Eshu asked for the second time, I said yes.

The night before the ceremony Alizeh was sick all night. I stayed up with her, thinking that if I stayed up, then at least Mitra will have rested and I could get some sleep the next day after the ceremony.

So, the ceremony was very surreal on account of my exhaustion. During the ceremony, I received my Buddhist name. I hadn't really thought too much about the idea of a new name since my first sesshin almost two years earlier. I found when I had the new name, I wanted to use it. I like being called Sei-in.

There Can Be Only One!

However, I liked Sei-in so much that I wanted to get rid of Eric. I wanted to fix on Sei-in. Out with the old and in with the new.

I figures that I would try out my new name and give myself until after my third sesshin to make a decision. I really wanted to go one way or the other.

I did the sesshin in May and was confused when I came back. I wanted a decision about by name. I wanted one name. But that is not what happened for me. It felt like I was forcing it. So, I took some time and space just to let things settle.

Two Names Are Better Than One

I am not sure what I will do in the future, but for now I am using both names almost equally.

In the confusion that comes from using two names I have found the constant reminder that I am both of these names and neither of these names. I am other names too: Dad, Brother, Sweetie...

Without fixing on one name reminds me on a daily basis that I have the freedom to be all of those names and none of them. It is like the saying, “The person with one clock always knows the time, while the person with two clocks is never sure.”

I have found both fear and freedom in doubt.

Practice with saying goodbye

2009-07-04T07:33:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I got a series of emails and phone calls from my mom. Her father, age 94, is very ill and we are going to Vancouver today to see him and to say goodbye.

Zeyds (affectionate family nickname for him based on a modification of the Yiddish word for "grandfather") has been an iconic figure throughout my life. Growing up in Vancouver as part of the secular Jewish community we spent a lot of time with my cousins and grandparents not just for holidays but also for community events and the at-the-time dreaded "Saturday school" at what is now the Peretz Centre for Secular Jewish Culture where we learned about Yiddish, history, food, and social justice.

I don't have many memories of childhood but do have a lot of memories of Zeyds. He had a small boat and we spent a lot of time on it fishing, which thinking back on it was perhaps my first experience of just sitting. There is a picture of me as a baby standing on the fish gutting deck in diapers with Zeyds' fish hanging beside me -- the fish is bigger than I was, a very good day for him.

Later in life when I transitioned from female to male, my mom's first reaction when I told her I was planning to take hormones and have surgery was that I couldn't tell her father, that it'd kill him. She eventually broke the news to him and he told my mom to get over herself and start using my new name. When I next saw him he said he was so excited to finally have a grandson and couldn't wait to show me the funnel he'd rigged in his basement workshop so he could pee standing up at the sink without having to go upstairs to the bathroom.

He also kept me honest politically. Even when I was a messed up teenager far more concerned about boys and being liked than anything else, he would ask me what was new with the class struggle and expect me to have an intelligent answer, to care about what was going on in the world and to remember what was important beyond self concerns. In his basement was a hidden stash of classic communist literature that he had hidden away for many years after the red scares of the 50s. Some years ago when I was studying Chinese medicine he gave me one of those books, a biography of Norman Bethune written by Chinese comrades. It was spotted with mold from all those years in his basement and the spine was held together with scotch tape and eventually I said goodbye to the book.

Now I am going to Vancouver to say goodbye to Zeyds. This moment is not at all unexpected. Having had many people in my life die the reality that we all die is ever present. And at age 94, having suffered a lot in the last year from dementia and physical pain in some ways it feels overdue for him.

Still it is really hard to mentally and emotionally stay in the present moment. Anticipating the time later today of saying goodbye, the mind alternatively comes up with all sorts of fantasies about what that moment and the future without him will be like, and memories of the past. There are complicated family dynamics, and complicated dynamics with the care home staff being divided about my family's instructions to provide non-invasive palliative care rather than invasive treatments to try to cure the infection that is damaging his urinary tract. In all this although there is genuine concern for him there is also a lot of self concern. I am losing my grandfather. I am losing someone who completely loved and accepted me. I am angry that he's dying in a care home and not in the home he lived in for 60+ years, where his wife died. I'm dreading dealing with my parents' grief and the rest of the family. It's a lot about me and my wants and losses and wishes and preferences, the way I feel the world should be unfolding to suit how I think things should happen.

So, my practice today will be to just be with him and my family and continuously let go with each out breath. To know where I am and what is happening in this moment, to experience this moment fully rather than missing it because my mind is caught up in future and past. When the moment does come to say goodbye, to say it fully.

“Be reminded that this great matter of birth and death is of supreme importance. Time swiftly passes us by like an arrow and opportunity is lost. Each of us must strive to awaken. Don’t squander your life.”

How Our Family Connected to Buddhism by Sei-in

2009-06-29T11:05:00.000-07:00

In 2006, we had the opportunity to pack up our life and travel in Southeast Asia for 6.5 months. When we left in late January, 2006, the kids were all very young. Kiran was only 11 months old, Alizeh was 3.5 and Darius seemed old at 6 years old.

When we left, we left as a family of five people with one person practicing Buddhism. By the time we returned, Buddhism was something we shared as a family.

Each of us came to Buddhism in our own way. My path led to Buddhism before we left. Mitra found her connection through some very strong nuns in Vietnam. In spending time with these nuns, she saw an example of well educated and powerful women practicing Zen (in stark contrast to what she had seen in Thailand).

Alizeh developed a relationship to Buddhism through visiting temples.
She really enjoyed the ritual of the temples. When I took her to a temple, she asked me what we did there. I explained that we respectfully watched what happened while the locals went through their rituals. She challenged me: "Those people are doing something. I want to do something, not just watch them do something!" And so Alizeh learned the local rituals and made offerings at many temples across Southeast Asia.

Darius visited some temples, but didn't connect as much to the form as Alizeh. For him, it just slowly became a more visible backdrop of his life. I would typically put the older two kids to bed. I would read them a story and then sit in the room with them to meditate while they went to sleep. We had a lot less space when we were traveling than we have at home. The result of this was that it pushed my meditation practice to be more visible for the kids. Soon they were asking what I was doing and asking if they could do it too. Seeing his Dad meditate on a daily basis was important in building Darius’ connection to Buddhism.

Now for Kiran, it was different. He was quite young for the whole trip. He was only 1.5 years old when we returned home. By this point, everyone else in the family had found some connection to Buddhism and Buddhism became the water that he was swimming in.

As I write this, it is almost three years after we arrived home from our trip. Buddhism has stayed with our family, while each person has developed a different relationship to it.

I continue practicing with the Victoria Zen Centre. Mitra’s focus has been on getting her Masters’ degree for the past three years. Buddhism and the community stay close to her heart, even if she has had little time to go out to the VZC. Darius likes having a Buddha statue in his room, when he is feeling scared at night. Alizeh leaves letters for Kwan Yin (a female Buddha) behind the Kwan Yin figure in her room. In the morning, she enjoys reading Kwan Yin’s replies. Kiran likes to light incense, meditate and do prostrations. As a family, we enjoy going to the VZC Sangha Sundays and Buddha’s Birthday Celebration each year.

THE MAKING OF A ZEN MONK

2009-06-27T10:18:00.000-07:00

Victoria Zen Centre to hold Victoria's first Buddhist Ordination

Doshu Lars Rogers has a first-hand understanding of suffering and impermanence. In February 2002, he found himself in the intensive care unit of Vancouver General Hospital more dead than alive having been air lifted from his family’s homestead on Malcolm Island just off of Vancouver Island’s north coast. The diagnosis was acute leukemia, and the prognosis was not hopeful. Immediate chemotherapy left Rogers with no memory of the events that took place for about a month after his arrival at the hospital. In May of 2002, he was released from hospital for two weeks before a scheduled bone marrow transplant “to make some good memories with (his) family”. Upon his return to hospital he was subjected to intense chemotherapy and full-body radiation to ensure that all blood making cells in his body were thoroughly and totally dead. Following the bone marrow transplant, another month of isolation followed waiting for these new cells to take up residence deep within his bones and begin producing healthy blood.

Doshu has practiced Zen Buddhism since 1975-at times passively, and at times with great energy and zeal. Living remotely, his contact with any kind of Buddhist community was infrequent, but he maintained a personal practice and attended meditation retreats occasionally with Toronto Zen Centre, Zen Centres in Oregon and Washington States, and the Victoria Zen Centre. His life path had seen him educated at the University of Toronto in astronomy, travelling through Asia and Europe with his wife Soshin Ruth McMurchy, training and working in electronics and making a living as an entrepreneur in that field. Doshu and Soshin have two children together, and when Doshu became ill, the whole family moved to Victoria so that they could be there to support him, and each other. As he lay in the hospital wondering if he would make it to the next mealtime which Doshu describes as “a yellow-green goo that was pumped through my nose-tube and into my stomach”, a visiting friend asked him what he wanted to do when he got out of the hospital. Doshu had spent much of his time (when he was conscious and/or coherent) reviewing his life, coming to terms with his impending death, and letting go of any regrets of his life; but realized that he hadn’t seriously considered the possibility of recovery. The question he was asked provoked a heartfelt response that he says surprised him. “My family and Zen practice are my priorities.”

When Doshu was discharged from hospital in July of 2002, after the bone marrow transplant had “taken”, it was into the caring hands of his friends and family. As he slowly recovered, struggling through periodic and frightening infections, and dealing with the depression that often follows such severe illness, he gradually began to regain his strength. His resolve and commitment to his priorities also grew stronger. Eventually he overcame concerns about his physical fragility and emotional instability and reconnected with the Victoria Zen Centre. Knowing that Zen Buddhist practice can be demanding physically, mentally, and emotionally, Doshu expected a rough ride but says he was very kindly and gently received by the Zen Centre community and it’s teacher Ven. Eshu Martin. “In hospital I started to experience life more as a gift than a given - connecting with Ven. Eshu and the loving community he inspires has allowed me to grow toward a life based on practice and giving, to face my fears and to uncover the life I have longed for but never before managed to create”, says Rogers.

“Doshu’s commitment to his family, to his community, and to Zen practice raises the bar for everyone that comes into contact with him”, says Martin, who also acts as the Buddhist Chaplain for the University of Victoria’s Interfaith Services. “As the Zen Centre has grown and developed, Doshu has been involved in every aspect, and provides a joyous, humble, and compassionate example for all of us to follow.”

Doshu’s increasing involvement and commitment has led to his completion of a program of training and education at the Victoria Zen Centre that will see him ordained a Zen Monk at the University of Victoria’s Interfaith Chapel on at 10am on July 19, 2009 as a part of the Zen Centre’s semi-annual commitment ceremony. The first event of its kind to be held in Victoria, it promises to be a deeply powerful and moving event for everyone present, and will deeply impact Doshu, his family, and the Buddhist community of Vancouver Island. For more information, please contact the Victoria Zen Centre office@zenwest.ca 250-642-7936.

The Victoria Zen Centre is a federally registered charity that was formed in 1980. For more information please visit the website at www.zenwest.ca

"If he discovers religion, he will become a TV evangelist!" by Sei-in

2009-06-26T17:00:00.000-07:00

I grew up in a family without any formal religion. My mother was certainly a spiritual person, but we didn't belong to any religious group. I think that mom was skeptical of any organized religion. Dad wasn't spiritual at all. What spirituality came to us as kids, came from my mom.

So, I wasn't really exposed to any organized religion growing up, even though I was exposed to spirituality. I had only been to 2 church services in my life (not including weddings or funerals) before I started practicing Buddhism.

When I was a kid, my folks took this picture of me in my grandparent’s backyard in California. I am dressed in a corduroy suit (all the rage back then!) with a stern look on my face and my hands clasped in front of me. The photo became a defining part of our family's story. The story went like this: "In this photo, Eric looks like either a preacher or a gangster. We don't want him to be a gangster and if he gets into religion he will be insufferable. He will be like a TV evangelist. So Eric should never get into the mob or organized religion."

This story went on for years. I guess the photo was taken when I was 4 or so and the story was part of our family until I got involved with Buddhism and didn't become a TV evangelist.

Any time I would express interest in religion the story would come out: "well, you know what mom always said about you and religion..."

Fast forward to 2004… by this time, my mother had passed away, Mitra and I were married with 2 kids and I was very involved with the company that I had co-founded, PureEdge. I came home one hot day. I thought that something may be up as soon as my mother-in-law told me that she would look after the kids, while I should go upstairs to chat with Mitra.

I went up to our bedroom and Mitra told me to sit down. I sat down and Mitra told me that she was pregnant with our third child. This was not the plan! We had a boy and a girl. We were done. Or so I thought. The idea of another child scared me.

Mitra and I saw a counselor together who helped us to take a broader perspective on the child. She asked us to think about ourselves in the future and what we would tell ourselves to do now. The answer was clear to me - the future me would tell the present me to have the child. Yes, it would be hard, but it would be worth it. I would live to regret it if we didn't have the child (I have to add that I am very thankful for this advice. It was just what I needed. Also, I am very thankful to have Kiran in my life).

I could clearly see that I wanted to have the child, but I was still scared. In the moments between sleeping and waking, I would feel this horrible fear sitting on my chest.

I went to see a different counselor whom I had seen previously about my mother's death and various work-related stresses. She said that she thought that my fear was not to do with having a third child, but to do with something greater. The pregnancy was just the "straw that broke the camels back".

We talked about how I could figure out what the greater issue was. She mentioned a variety of approaches to figure it out. She mentioned hypnosis and I knew that was what I wanted to try. Further, I wanted to be hypnotized in my painting studio at home (otherwise known as my garage), instead of in her office.

The next Saturday I found myself in my art studio, settled in comfortably on a chair next to my counselor. She led me to relax and go to a safe place within myself. There I was greeted by two visitors - two parts of myself that needed expression. One was a child of me and the other was an older figure. It was kind of like a dream. At one point, this figure put his hands on my shoulders and looked at me. In a voice that you would use to talk to a child who just isn't listening, he said, "Find a teacher." His voice was frustrated as if he had said this to me a thousand times and if I would only listen, I would be so much happier.

I returned to my normal state, guided out of the hypnosis by my counselor. I knew that I needed to find a religious teacher. I felt that while I felt deeply spiritual, I needed to be involved with some group. It occurred to me for the first time that the spiritual struggles that I had were not unique to me. Many other people had gone through these before. I could either re-invent the wheel while repeating the mistakes of others or I could learn from them. I could learn from their mistakes and once I learned their path, I could then forget it.

I felt like my approach to spirituality had been one of forgetting all of the rules to have a direct experience with spirituality. However, I had never learned the rules in the first place, so it was hard to forget them.

I decided to learn the path of an organized religion. The question was which one?

I made two lists in my head. One list was all of the world’s major religions (Christianity, Islam, Judaism, Hinduism, Buddhism, etc.). The other was a list of things which I felt spiritually spoke to me. It included all sorts of random things including the original Star Wars movies (especially Yoda), the book Siddhartha by Hesse and some obscure sci-fi books. When I stepped back and compared the lists in my head, I quickly saw that 80% of the things that I considered spiritual had a Buddhist theme. This was a big surprise to me, but not to those around me.

Frankly, the fact that I read the book Siddhartha by Herman Hesse almost every year since I was a teenage should have been a clear signal to me, but I had missed it all of those years.

Any ways, I went online and looked to find a good beginners book on Buddhism. I read several reviews and settled on "Buddhism for Dummies". I bought it and read it cover to cover. It was a great book to introduce me to Buddhism.

It was like a door opening for me. The first chapter explained the reasons that Buddhism is a religion and the reasons that it isn't a religion. I found the reasons for it to not be a religion very compelling:

- there is no god(s),
- the main dude (Buddha) said that he was just a person and he wasn't trying to teach a religion, but just a way to me happy
- there is no set of ways in which you have to act, otherwise you will go to hell. There are ways to act, but they are only suggestions and the intent isn't to avoid hell, but just to be happier. So if you want to be happy, then killing people probably isn't going to help.
- if something in Buddhism doesn't work, then don't do it.

The end of the first chapter concluded with the idea that it didn't matter whether or not Buddhism was a religion or not.

The next thing that got me was the description of the first teaching that Buddha gave. He talked about something called The Four Noble Truths. I was completely struck by these as deeply familiar. These were themes which I had been painting over and over again for the previous four years.

As I worked through the book one of the things that it suggested was to try meditating. Regardless of which form of Buddhism you practice, there is always a lot of meditation. So if you don't like meditation, then this path is not for you.

The book described a simple counting breath meditation. I tried it for 15 minutes (which is what was suggested). I found myself far more relaxed afterwards. I had tried many things over the years to relax and nothing had worked as well. Meditation had helped me to relax a lot, in only 15 minutes, didn't involve appointments or other people and was free.

Next, the book suggested that I find a teacher and a community. I went through the phone book and searched online for places to practice Buddhism in Victoria. Eshu from the Victoria Zen Centre answered my email.

Eshu and I got together for a tea. I was very nervous at the thought of meeting a real Zen monk, but I was quickly at ease. Eshu and I became fast friends. I went to listen to Eshu speak and met Ben. He seemed like a pretty good guy and I thought if the community was made up of folks like Ben, then it must be a good group.

In the summer of 2004, about two months after finding out the Mitra was pregnant, I started practicing Buddhism with the Victoria Zen Centre.

A few months later, Eshu, Niki and the kids came over for dinner. In the middle of dinner, Eshu turns to Mitra and says, "Eric is really into Zen. What do you think of that?"

I was immediately worried. I knew that I was enjoying my time with the VZC, but what did Mitra think? In that moment it occurred to me that I didn't know what she thought.

Mitra turned to Eshu and said, "It is great! Eric is so much more relaxed. He is easier with the kids. He is easier with me. He admits when he is wrong so much sooner. It has made a big, positive change in him."

Wow, I thought. I knew that I felt better, but I didn't know that I was acting so differently. I didn't know that Mitra thought it was so positive for me.

That was five years ago now. Buddhism has continued to be a very powerful and positive influence on my life. I am thankful for it, but probably not as grateful as those who would have to interact with me if I wasn't practicing.

Ordination

2009-06-24T14:56:00.000-07:00

Doshu’s ordination is coming up next month. Invitations are going out now and many friends and family members are curious about what it means to become a monk in this tradition. I’m often asked how I feel about Doshu becoming a monk. Perhaps this is a polite way of asking “But what about your sex life?” I was pretty curious about this too, but a vow of celibacy is not a part of this ceremony.

Years ago, Doshu and I made an agreement to support each other in our spiritual development. I’d been meditating in a haphazard way since my university days, and we both joined the Toronto Zen Centre, but now we had small children and lived in rural BC so I joined the local women’s healing circle in my community, while Doshu continued to practise solo long-distance zen. We women met weekly and together explored various spiritualities, finally settling into a Wiccan practice as taught by Starhawk and the Reclaiming Collective. This transformational practice is encapsulated in its only rule: Do as you will and harm none. Starhawk strongly recommended a personal daily meditation practice, but there was no instruction in this. These were exciting times, learning to use trance as a tool for self discovery and group spiritual work, learning to change consciousness at will. I am so grateful to the powerful women who shared in this adventure.

A few years ago Doshu became seriously ill and spent many months in hospital in Vancouver. At the end of his ordeal he was alive, and thanks to a bone marrow transplant, getting better. We left our beloved Mitchell Bay, moved to Victoria, and I began seriously studying Qi Gong with the idea of becoming a practitioner. However, here again was the directive to meditate daily, yet no instruction on how to do this.

Then Doshu connected with the Victoria Zen Centre. He found a local spiritual home at last, and I found the support and community I need to develop and maintain a daily meditation practice.

I’m happy that Doshu has been able to follow the spiritual path of his choice. After years of flying to Toronto for intensives, it’s wonderful for him to have an active zen centre right here. And not only local but this is a centre that offers programs tailor made to each individual, from beginners to those who are ready for a residential program and even ordination. We are blessed to live in a time and place (Victoria!) where Zen is alive. -Soshin

A cat moment

2009-06-24T12:04:00.000-07:00

Today, holding the cat, there was a settling into pure sensory enjoyment. The fur, soft against bare arms; nuzzling his head- the smell so sweet; feeling the tiny puffs of his breath against my face; responding to his purrs with a deep inner relaxation of being.

Aaaah, this must be the Post Tuesday Sit Glow that Doshu told me about. -Soshin

2009-06-18T22:46:00.000-07:00

A Tea Story - Doshu

One time at a Tuesday UVic sit, Shoji and Shoshoji were a little late arriving for the setup before the sit, so as Shika, I started making the tea to help them out. Our ususal routine is to boil water and make the tea in two thermos jugs, so that it will be hot for serving at tea time following the sit.

When it came time for tea, we were served luke warm water, and I realized someting about meddling in other people's business. As part of my 'helpful assistance' I had filled the thermos jugs with warm water to preheat them, and failed to communicate this to Shoji when she arrived. As Shika, I am supposed to be training the officers, and one of the cardinal guidelines is to do one's job and let others to theirs.

I am grateful for the wisdom embodied in the form we use.

Go and boil your bottoms!

2009-06-15T17:36:00.000-07:00

‘Twas in what I believe is called the “vestry” at the Interfaith Chapel. The crew were getting ready for the Tuesday sit.
I spied upon the counter two halves of a coconut. Naturally, I grabbed them and, knocking them together in the famous way, began to ride about the room.
“Please,” I begged, “can we use these for kinhin tonight?”
I believe the Venerable was deep in thought, for he appeared not to have heard me, although he was looking directly at me.
Young Matheo asked, “How did they get here?”
“A swallow must have brought them,” I answered, naturally.
“What? A swallow carrying a coconut?” Matheo demanded.
“It could grip it by the husk!”
“It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut,” exclaimed Matheo.
“Well, it doesn’t matter,” said I. “We’d best set up the zendo.”
“Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?”
“Look, I have to make the tea.”
“Am I right?”
I was so pleased that young folks still value the classics.

Zen practice, habits, and the bounce

2009-06-14T18:51:00.000-07:00

Sei-in's post about fingernail biting helped me reflect on a habit pattern that I've been struggling with lately (thank you Sei-in!); the opportunities that the Buddha, Dharma, and Sangha provide to face the difficult emotions that can come up around habits; and an associated phenomenon I've been noticing a lot lately, the desire to withdraw from things that feel unpleasant.

I grew up in a secular Jewish family and community, and have lots of strong and pleasant memories about food from my childhood -- associations of food with physical sensations of delight and also emotional sensations of comfort, love, abundance, and security. I also grew up in the 1970s, a time when there was a lot of attention to diet and being thin, and was often teased at school for being fat (along with being Jewish and in an actively left-wing family with a working mother, which was not a happy combo in a rich, right-wing, WASP neighbourhood). So, like many people there is both a neurotic tendency to cling to food and want more of it because it makes me feel good, and at the same time a neurotic aversion to it because it brings up feelings of disgust, self loathing, and shame.

Shortly before starting at the VZC I was at an all time low in terms of my physical and mental health. A very stressful job, burnout from years of difficult community work, grief over deaths of scores of friends and clients, and difficulty walking due to a brain virus several years previously led to increasing reliance on food both to cope with the difficult feelings and also, in hindsight, to try to obliterate my self and create a wall between me and the world. Although I took a political position on fat pride, really I was completely embarrassed at the binge eating I would do, smothering rage and frustration with loaves of bread and bowl after bowl of noodles.

When I started practising with the VZC there were obvious and dramatic physical changes. I put down the cane I'd been using for several years and realized that I had been hanging onto it far past the point of recovery from the brain virus. I also lost forty pounds. The physical pain from sitting, and the seemingly endless enthusiasm of Seishin ("It'll be SO MUCH FUN!"), inspired me to start Bikram Yoga and I started to regain physical strength. Then my gallbladder succumbed to the years of food abuse and I had a very restricted, no-fat diet to try to prevent more gallstones from developing. Another thirty pounds came off.

At this point I got pretty cocky. I figured I had beaten my old food habits and had got to a resting place of being balanced and healthy around food, body image, and using Zen practice to deal with difficult feelings. My family oohed and aahed at my bucking of the genetic and cultural trend. I had it all figured out. I was in control.

So, in April out came the gallbladder. I could eat whatever I wanted again, and the physical recovery of surgery was more difficult than expected and so I stopped going to yoga for a while.

Right back into old habits. Eating compulsively for comfort (to alleviate the physical pain of recovery from surgery and to deal with work stresses), and also for the physical pleasure of food. It has been mortifying to realize the depth of depravity still there for me relating to food. Not only am I greedy, I'm so greedy that I'll sneak food out of my husband's bowl just for the sheer satisfaction of knowing I'm getting more than him. It's a mess. I'm a mess. And I'm totally embarrassed that all the people who have been giving me props for losing weight are going to realize that I'm gaining it back and think I'm a loser.

So, I take it to the cushion. What the hell. Isn't sitting supposed to give me strength to face things that are difficult? And isn't that going to make me feel better?

But of course sitting is not an escape. Increasing awareness is not just of the interconnectedness of all things, the possibility of letting go of the constructed dramas of ego into the fundamental activity of the universe, of letting go of self and relaxing into just being. It is also seeing, more clearly, the crazy neurotic crap that arises again and again. And again. And again. Ouch.

So, the bounce, the desire to separate out from the experience, pull away, and blame everything around me for making me feel bad. I'm mad at practice. I'm mad at my teacher. I'm mad at the sangha. I'm mad at the board and the people I work with within the VZC. I'm mad at my gi. I'm mad at the cushion. I'm mad at myself. I'm mad at people who are at a place in their practice where they're excited about its transformative potential. I'm mad at my yoga mat and the yoga teacher and how hard it is to be the worst one in yoga class and have to sit down all the time because I'm physically and mentally weak again. Bleah. I hate practice. I want to pull away, to bounce away from the Buddha, the Dharma, the Sangha, to run away from practice and from myself.

Aha. It's really myself I'm mad at. So I just keep sitting with it, even lean into it a little. Because this is not the first time in practice that something difficult has come up. So I start talking about it with the person who I trust most to help me when I'm being a nutcase, my husband (who is unfailingly supportive without letting me get away with feeling sorry for myself). Next steps are to talk with my teacher and with peers in the sangha, who I know from experience will provide that same fantastic balanced support to practice with what is happening without getting ridiculously fascinated by it. There is no real crisis. It's OK. Relaxing again into the activity of the universe and letting go just a smidge, it all seems kind of funny, this freakout about self and wanting to look good and be in control. I'm good, I'm bad, I'm thin, I'm fat, I, I, I, I. Ding a ling a ling! More zazen!

Fingernails, Math and Meditation by Sei-in

2009-06-06T07:14:00.001-07:00

(Typed on the float plane ride from Vancouver to Victoria)

Hmmm....

Let's see... I recently turned 40. I have been practicing with the Victoria Zen Centre for about 5 years. When I was a kid, I started biting my fingernails. I am not sure how old I was, but I know that I was biting my nails in elementary school. Let's say I started at 10 years old. This means that by the time I came to start practicing Zen, I had been biting my fingernails for about 25 years (40 years old now -started with VZC 5 years ago - started biting fingernails at age 10).

For 25 years I bit my fingernails all the time. I would bite them when I was happy. I would bite them when I was sad. I would bite them when I was excited and when I was scared. I bit them until they hurt and even when the started to bleed.

Of course, I tried to stop. I would try to get myself to stop biting them. But then I would go see a movie and find myself already biting them, without ever being aware of having started again. I never sought outside help to stop biting them (I hear that hypnosis works...), but when I was little, I remember my mom putting some foul tasting stuff on my nails so that I would hate the taste and not bite them.

This didn't work. I got used to the taste and just kept biting them. My sister stopped and my mother stopped when I was still living at home, but I did not. I continued biting my nails long After leaving home.

I learned how to hide biting my nails. I learned how to hold my hands so that people could not see my nails. In general, I didn't do it where other people (except those very close to me) could see.

So for 25 years this happens. For 25 years I bite my nails. Then I start practicing with the Victoria Zen Centre. I learn to meditate (having never done this before) and start a daily meditation practice.

I have tried a lot of things to process my intense emotions and nothing has worked as well as meditation. From the first time that I sat, I found meditation to be extremely powerful in processing emotions, reducing stress and generally making me a nicer guy to be with (my wife will certainly agree with that).

After about 6 months of practice (usually sitting at home for 25 min per day, 6 days out of 7), I looked at biting my nails and just realized that it wasn't very effective. I was biting my nails to process emotions and it didn't do a very good job. Or perhaps a better way to say that is, meditation did a much better job. Of course I had heardball of this before, but one day I just saw it differently.

It is hard to describe how it was different. It was just different. What had made sense as an activity before (biting my fingernails), no longer made sense. It seemed like a bad idea, even though I had been doing it for over 25 years. Now that I had a much more effective mechanism for dealing with stress, it just didn't make sense to bite my nails.

So I stopped.

After 25 years of habit, I just stopped.

It has been 4.5 years since that realization and I haven't bitten my nails since. Well, that isn't completely true. There have been a few times when I did bite the nail on one finger on one hand. But then I would catch myself and stop. Why am I doing this? I know that it doesn't work too well. And then I would stop again.

In hindsight, I think that two powerful things have worked to support me. One is the initial insight where I saw something that I had heard for many years completely differently. It is almost like seeing the same thing from the top, instead of the bottom. Now it makes complete sense. The other thing is the awareness of my present moment that comes with regular practice. I know that since I have started meditating, I have become much more aware. That awareness has helped a lot if I fell back into my old habits. Through that awareness, I could quickly adjust my actions.

So there is my story of how a habit pattern which was reinforced over 25 years was changed on one day and one clear insight.

The Past Present

2009-05-28T05:02:00.000-07:00

What I learned at the five day intensive was awareness of some of my programmed responses and behaviour patterns. These ingrained buttons that when pushed often result from the "same" cause and produce the "same" effect ~ suffering. The more awareness sharpens, the more chance to act from a place of "true" response rather then "same old". I strive to nourish "true" me. Learning through the past in the present.

May 2009 Five-Day Intensive

2009-05-20T16:27:00.000-07:00

This May we had 13 participants four our annual spring five-day intensive. Back row left to right: Sei-in Eric Jordan (shoshoji), Joshua Goldberg (joko), Joan Doerksen (shoden), Jundo Jaron Holder (jikijitsu), Luke Rogers, Mateo Ham, Hoyu Tommi Boulter (shoji). Front row left to right: Yushin Charles Rose (shoten), Soshin Ruth McMurchy (tenzo), Eshu, Doshu Lars Rogers (shika) and Seishin Susanne Ledingham (densu). Seishu Ben Morton who participated part time is not in the picture (sorry Seishu!).

With only 2 newcomers, the intensive was a solid and stable opportunity for all of the participants to dig into practice together. Consider joining us for our Winter five-day intensive December 5-11, 2009. Register early to ensure that you get a seat!

January Jukai Photos

2009-05-20T11:42:00.000-07:00

My friend Darrell Pacini was in attendance at the January Jukai ceremony and took some awesome pictures of us. He also spent quite a few hours editing and polishing the pictures to get them to the state they are in now. I have uploaded them to Flickr and you can view (and comment) on them by following the link below:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/86302038@N00/sets/72157618117698118/

I have identified those of us going through Jukai in most of the pictures through comments...feel free to pass along to friends & family. I decided to do this through Flickr rather than Facebook as not all of us have an account. The pictures in the link should be viewable by anyone.

Enjoy!

Yushin

Zen Birthday Card

2009-05-19T14:18:00.001-07:00

Japanese Pronunciation #1

2009-05-10T13:07:00.000-07:00

Pronunciation of Japanese Vowels

Now that we have the updated, revised, corrected, super-duper new chant sheets, perhaps folks would be interested in getting their pronunciation of Japanese sounds a little closer to “correct.” I’ll start with trying to explain the vowel sounds.

First: Why do we have trouble with Japanese vowels?

The Japanese sound system challenges English speakers because it’s simple.

If you ask most English speakers how many vowels there are in English, they will usually answer something like, “Five or six. A E I O U and sometimes Y.” But those, of course, are just the roman characters that we use to REPRESENT the vowels in writing.

How many actual vowel sounds there are in English depends on the dialect you’re looking at: West Coh-oost Canajun? Noo Yawk? Strine (Australian)? Etc. But whichever dialect of English you’re looking at, the vowel sounds will almost certainly number well over twenty. The machinations we go through to represent those vowel sounds with six measly characters cause our own young a certain amount of grief, and have foreign learners shaking their heads in dismay.

How many vowel sounds are there in Japanese? Well, putting regional differences and the complexities of phonological processes aside, we can say with confidence that there are five vowel sounds in Japanese.

FIVE VOWEL SOUNDS!

That’s right. Compare that to the 25 or more vowel sounds in most English dialects.

Because of its plethora of vowel sounds, English tends to be quite forgiving of weird pronunciation. Often people can substitute one vowel sound for another and they still have a good chance of being understood.

The same is not true of Japanese. Here’s an example of what can happen:

Kirei (beautiful, clean, pure)

Kirai (dislike, hate)

One little difference makes a big difference!

Ok, I could go on and on about the phonologies of English and Japanese, but I’d better get down to brass tacks. What ARE the five vowels of Japanese, and how are they represented in roman letters (romaji)?

THE VOWELS OF JAPANESE

A I U E O

You might like to start by listening to a song about them:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xST1wANc3qU

Click on the romaji to hear an audio file of the vowel. (I hope the links work!)

/A/ is more or less like the /a/ in “father” for Canadian speakers.

/I/ is like the vowel sound in “cheese.” NOT like the vowel sound in “hit.” So, for example, “Yushin” would rhyme with “you seen.” Have you seen Yushin?

/U/ is like the vowel sound in “soon.” Not exactly the same, but close enough.

/E/ causes a lot of trouble. It’s like the vowel sound in “bed.” This is true even when it comes at the end of a word! A place where I often hear it mispronounced is in the syllable /ke/ that shows up in our chants. Since this vowel sound doesn’t come at the end of words in English, we tend to turn it into the Canajun “eh,” eh? Try to isolate the /e/ of “bed” and say it by itself. You’ll be on your way to saying /ke/ the way it should be said.

/O/ Big trouble for Canadians. We tend to turn this into a diphthong, which is the fancy word for one vowel sound gliding into another. Just say, “No, I won’t go” and listen to your vowels. By the time you’ve finished saying “No” or “go” the vowel has actually become /u/, hasn’t it? This is especially pronounced in most Canajun English, eh?
The deal is, /o/ is not a diphthong in Japanese. It’s just /o/. Imagine you started to say “Oh” and suddenly had to stop before you got to the end of it. Just /o/, without gliding to the /u/ the way we Canajuns do.

You can listen to sound files of all the syllables at:
http://japanese.about.com/library/blhiraganaaudio.htm

WARNING: THE VOWELS ARE WHAT THEY ARE!

So, if you see a couple of vowels together, like “ee” or “oo,” the sound represented doesn’t change! “oo” is just /o/, but you say it a little longer. Same with “ee.” It’s the same sound as one /e/, but you say it a little longer.

If you see two different vowels together, such as “ai” or “ae” or “ei” or “ie,” each vowel of the pair is pronounced in the usual way, separately from the other. For example, “ai” is the sound /a/ followed by the sound /i/. “Ei” is an /e/ followed by an /i/.

This was an issue, now fixed by the new super-duper chant book, in the word “Rifui,” that appears in the Offering to the Hungry Ghosts. If it were written in hiragana, the Japanese syllabary, it wouldn’t have been an issue because it would obviously be three syllables: ri, fu, and i. But naturally this wasn’t obvious to English speakers who hadn’t learned about the sound system of Japanese. (Perhaps your computer will show you these three kana: りふい )

Here are some more songs about A I U E O:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=crsG1TRpXZk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qUJTtnRpQzk

Happy chanting!

Sesshin Followup

2009-05-10T11:59:00.000-07:00

Returning from the recent 5 day intensive, I have been mulling over what happened for me there. On the last night, after the closing bell, we put the house furniture back in order and had a group meeting in which we talked about our experiences – I didn’t say much at the time, and now want to offer to the group a little of what is going on in my practice.

This practice really calls to me. Particularly during chanting and dharma talks, it is often painfully clear how much I long for liberation, and always have - what else is there to do? It is as if all the patriarchs and ancestors are inviting me to just 'drop body and mind' and follow this deep yearning that I feel – so natural, so simple. At the same time, I become gripped by fear, even terror, mixed with a sense of being unworthy to aspire to such an exalted path. At some underlying level, my daily life unfolds as though I’m inauthentic, or perhaps an impostor, and if I don’t manage my external façade of competence adequately, I’ll be found out, to my great shame.

I cope fairly well in most situations, but when the chips are down and a challenging interaction arises, what will happen if I don’t measure up as a father, a husband, a Buddhist practitioner, or just as a person? So I build my walls and hide behind them. I seek familiar and safe situations, like interacting with and manipulating objects, and avoid, or tiptoe cautiously through, the inevitable human relationships that life requires.

I see now that it was no accident that for years I practiced at a centre located 3000 miles away from where I lived – a comfortable buffer that I could deal with. I could show up once or twice a year for sesshin, drop in and do my solitary practice, and then disappear when it was over, without the need for engaging with the people in that sangha.

It’s a different story at VZC, and I want you all to know that I truly appreciate the love and support that you show me, and the opportunity that I have to contribute to this community we’re building. The sesshin form is so wonderful – a chance to engage with our private delights and demons, and to do it together with others, in a loving crucible. This time around I find that I’m a little more at ease and comfortable in my own skin, a little less driven to ‘get better’, and a lot more excited about the adventure of life and practice. I was Lars for 55 years, and have been Doshu for a little over 2. Now, with ordination approaching, I feel like maybe I’m leaving Doshu behind and moving into something else - I don’t really know what yet, but the prospect seems less daunting than it has in the past. If I’m lucky, I may get 20 or 30 more years in which to kick this can around, and I want to do it with it my family, friends, teacher, and sangha.

To all of our sangha, to Venerable Eshu particularly, and to my family and friends, I just want to say thank-you for all that you do.

nine bows,
Doshu

Second Sangha Sunday a Smashing Success

2009-04-26T17:14:00.000-07:00

On Sunday April 26, 2009 we held our second Sangha Sunday at Elk Lake.

Sangha Ball involved a plethora of rowdy all-ages team activities, including water balloon relay toss, group soccer, backwards croquet, musical performance, blindfolded gummy worm eating, animal drawing, and...well...carrying water in long PVC pipes and trying not to dump it on your team-mates. Many thanks to the 24 people (and 2 dogs) who came for the morning and for the picnic afterwards, sharing laughter, good company, and yummy treats.

Photos of the day's activities and videos of music performances are online at http://www.flickr.com/photos/37799529@N02/sets/72157617265553919/

We hope to see you and your loved ones at the Buddha's Birthday celebration in May! The next Sangha Sunday will be June 21 -- mark your calendars.

Photo Scavenger Hunt...

2009-04-18T19:59:00.000-07:00

What a wonderful, sunny day for such a fun event! We split up into different teams and had to take photos of different items on a list. Here are some of photo's that were taken:

"Crazy Kid"
Cory, Joshua, Ruth, Isabel & Maggie

"Joke"
(Monk walks into a bar...)
Eshu

"Someone Kicking a Ball"
Emma & Gwen

"Love"
Ben & Emily

"A Loud Noise"
Eric Jordan

"10 People Jumping"
Jundo, Eshu, Mitra, Matteo, Joe, Darius, Alizeah & Kigen

Upcoming Sesshin - Posted by Sei-in

2009-04-12T07:51:00.000-07:00

As everyone probably knows, we have a sesshin coming up from May 2-8th. A friend had posted this comic on Facebook and it seemed fitting...

I did not make this comic. I am merely reposting it. Enjoy!

On balance - Chris Holt

2009-04-10T07:27:00.000-07:00

About a year ago whilst I was writing my own blog I wrote a small bit about the balance that came to me physically because of meditation practice. I thought I'd share that here as it is still relevant today.

I recently had a blood test to assess the state of my liver. For many years I have had significantly elevated enzyme levels which if untreated over time would lead to a deterioration in my liver. The difficult thing has been that for years the doctors have scratched their heads at not being able to find out why the enzyme levels stay high. We have switched medications, diet, drinking alcohol, no drinking alcohol, no smoking, change diet, exercise and nothing worked until I lost significant weight at which point two of three enzymes balanced out, but the GGT which is sensitive to alcohol did not. I don't drink (or at least didn't drink until I went to Italy and enjoyed the Chianti).

This particular enzyme has a normal reading of between 35 and 50 (on whatever scale they use) and mine has been as high as 400 somewhat significantly out of range. Just over a year ago I was in the 200 range still four times higher than the maximum, with no good ideas as to why from anyone. So for the last year, you will have noticed that I have been doing a lot of meditation, more than at any other time in my life.

The meditation is the one consistent thing over the last year. I have not been drinking, then have had wine, I've played with diet and gone up and down in weight and hover now about in the middle between overweight and feeling a little emaciated. I have had work changes and written a lot of haiku, but only the meditation has been consistent...and I am happy to report that in the last reading of my blood, all enzymes are within normal range and the GGT enzyme is now in the 90s only about double the normal range. This is a marvelous outcome or turn of events as I was looking forward to liver disease in a few years.

We still do not know the cause, but I attribute the change to the meditation..can not prove it, but intuition gives me the signal.

Thought this might be of interest as I have always felt that the sitting practice works as much if not more in the background than it does in the conscious mind to balance one's being.

Balance - Soshin Ruth McMurchy

2009-04-09T11:43:00.000-07:00

A couple of things come up for me, thinking about balance. One is from early days getting to know Doshu, we often spent time in playgrounds on the teeter totter. What he taught me was that the farther out you are on the arm of the teeter totter, the more power you have. As any child with an older brother will know, the temptation to misuse one's power on a teeter totter is overwhelming. Lessons learned here with simple physics have a myriad applications in everyday life, and so we were able to balance our disparate weights and simultaneously learn to harmoniously share the power.

In my family balance doesn't look like it 'should'. My mom often reminds me to use my new buddhist name, whereas another family member refuses to use it and doesn't want it used in their presence.

A beloved aunt is worried by the new name and fears that I will become someone she won't recognize. So we made a pact together just the two of us, never to change - that may seem like a comforting fantasy, but it's also true - the outer personality stuff may come and go, but the deep love I feel for her will remain, until it dissolves along with this body sometime within the next few decades, but that will have been long enough.

Balance looks like days of bliss after a particularly deep one-day intensive, followed by irritation at my computer as it becomes unmanageably slow.

My early experiences with Zen practice - Frances Bryan

2009-04-09T08:09:00.000-07:00

I went to my first sit in August 2006 after chatting with Venerable Eshu for a while one day about the Lotus Sutra and the sometimes contrasting beliefs of different Buddhist traditions. I found the "form" rather intimidating and the focused look of the participants ominous, but I was intrigued by the silence. The tea circle was a bit of a relief because suddenly everyone loosened up, and I was allowed to shift and move again.

I don't remember anything significant about my next few sits, but the practice and community interested me, and in December I found myself asking Eshu, "How can I learn more?" The next step was to take the introductory course at the Zendo, so there I was, early one Saturday morning in January 2007, setting off to Sooke wearing a black gi. I snuck out of my house that first morning because I was sure my partner would laugh at my outfit (he did). Over the course of the eight-week intro course I developed a great respect and affection for my classmates and the practice, and enjoyed observing my increasing comfort with sitting on the floor.

Early in 2007 Venerable Eshin came from Vancouver to speak at a Tuesday night sit and there were a lot of people there to hear him. The walking meditation was challenging because the room was so full and people were getting out of step. I forced myself to really let go and follow the person in front of me, and I had my first experience of oneness. I felt that our hip joints were linked, and that I was flowing along completely in sync with him. What a cool feeling!

A year later I am now often playing the role of Shoji. One of my favourite parts is working with Jikijitsu to do the call and response drumming and bell ringing that starts many of the chants. If both of us are listening well and feeling the musicality and the beat I can have that experience of flow and unity I had in the walking meditation, and I just love that.

I'm not sure what I expected from practicing Zen; probably some sort of undefined "peace". My motivation to continue with sitting (and chanting and kinhin), has been my enjoyment of the practice itself rather any clear goals about outcomes. But there have been some wonderful outcomes. The first was that I started sleeping a lot better. (I have a long history of insomnia). Recently I have found that if I get involved in an argument I'm not able to summon up the desire to continue to argue. It feels as if I am no longer attached to being right. It's really interesting to see "peace" manifesting itself in my life in these subtle, unexpected and specific ways. I'm looking forward to seeing what else is around the corner (while of course, being fully in the present!)